Chapters (50)
- TITLE PAGE
- COPYRIGHT PAGE
- DEDICATION
- CONTENTS
- CHAPTER ONE PALMER
- CHAPTER TWO PALMER
- CHAPTER THREE COLE
- CHAPTER FOUR PALMER
- CHAPTER FIVE PALMER
- CHAPTER SIX PALMER
- CHAPTER SEVEN COLE
- CHAPTER EIGHT PALMER
- CHAPTER NINE PALMER
- CHAPTER TEN PALMER
- CHAPTER ELEVEN COLE
- CHAPTER TWELVE PALMER
- CHAPTER THIRTEEN PALMER
- CHAPTER FOURTEEN COLE
- CHAPTER FIFTEEN COLE
- CHAPTER SIXTEEN PALMER
- CHAPTER SEVENTEEN COLE
- CHAPTER EIGHTEEN PALMER
- CHAPTER NINETEEN PALMER
- CHAPTER TWENTY COLE
- CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE PALMER
- CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO PALMER
- CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE PALMER
- CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR COLE
- CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE PALMER
- CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX COLE
- CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN PALMER
- CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT PALMER
- CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE COLE
- CHAPTER THIRTY PALMER
- CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE PALMER
- CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO COLE
- CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE PALMER
- CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR COLE
- CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE PALMER
- CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX COLE
- CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN PALMER
- CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT COLE
- CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE PALMER
- CHAPTER FORTY COLE
- CHAPTER FORTY-ONE PALMER
- CHAPTER FORTY-TWO COLE
- CHAPTER FORTY-THREE PALMER
- EPILOGUE PALMER
- ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
- ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I sit next to him, my confidence waffling, and look into his eyes. They tell me everything I need to know.
I’m fucked.
He doesn’t want me.
He doesn’t want us.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR COLE
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
COLE
I wait for the exhale.
My body, my emotions—they’re all weirdly detached from reality. Maybe it’s some kind of self-preservation mode that I’ve activated. If so, I’m grateful.
It’s like I’ve forgotten how to breathe. I need to release the air in my lungs and fill them again or else I’m going to pass out, but the idea of blacking out and forgetting that I just heard her say all those things does seem preferable to dealing with reality.
“Between work, raising the son that we share that you seem to forget about until it behooves you, and trying to keep my mental health from tanking, I can’t take care of anyone else.”
“When do I get to prioritize me? When do I get to be the main character of my life? Because I’d like to know.”
“I can’t take care of another fucking person right now.”
What the hell do I do with that? How can I even consider becoming another burden on her life?
Palmer sits beside me and curls her legs beneath her. I see the trepidation in her eyes, and I hate myself for it. Because I put that there. I gave her a reason to doubt me.
I know what she thought I was going to say when I got here. I practically told her that I wanted to try a relationship with her last night. And that’s exactly what I was going to do when I arrived this afternoon. I was going to tell her about my diagnosis, tell her my plans to stay in Bloomfield, and tell her that I wanted to try something serious with her . . . and with Ethan.
That’s all changed.
If there’s one thing I hate more than anything, it’s selfishness. It’s the player on the team who tries to hit a home run instead of moving the runners around the bases. It’s the guy who has one girl who thinks the world of him, yet he sleeps around with half the city. It’s the guy who can’t hold his temper and gets tossed for a few games, putting the rest of his team at a disadvantage.
If I tell her what I came here to tell her—that I’m falling madly in love with her—I would be doing that, knowing how she feels.
That she doesn’t have the bandwidth to take care of anyone else.
I can’t be that guy. I won’t.