Parked beside the bed, gripping one of Dylan’s arms just to be holding onto a piece of him, Esther had gratefully noted her son’s eye-blinks of shock, his thin, pallid face growing pastier as the list went on. She had glanced across at Lucas – standing a little apart, back against the white plastic curtain – in the hope of sharing the moment. But he had remained aloof in his anger, his eyes fixed only on their idiot son. Esther had experienced a rush of despair. That there could be no pulling together in such a crisis had felt intolerable. How could she still be with a man who remained so closed against her when he chose? It was the opposite of what she had imagined. It could not go on. But even as the thought had formed, Lucas’s eyes had travelled to hers, ablaze with all that she’d needed to see: relief, affection, fatherly forgiveness, hope. There were reasons Lucas was as he was, Esther had reminded herself, as she always did; reasons no one understood like her. The fight to love and be loved, that was every marriage; it just took different forms.

‘How was Lily?’ Esther ventured now, gripping the flimsy banister pole as she went back down. It wobbled under her grasp, and for a moment the steps below her heaved. One slip and she would go headlong. An image flashed across her brain, of her crumpled body on the landing, neck and limbs splayed awkwardly. Dylan having the grisly job of finding her. And on her birthday too, of all days…

‘Lily is in Rome.’

‘I know Lily is in Rome, Lucas. But you were seeing her before she went, weren’t you?’

‘Oh yes, she dropped by with Matteo. They both seemed fine.’

The usual somersault of envy flipped in her gut. It had made perfect sense for Lily to stay in Cambridge, because of her studies, not to mention the blessing that was Matteo; but it also meant that Esther’s hunger to see her daughter was never quite appeased. Lucas sensed that hunger, Esther was certain. Lily was like his trump card, and he played it ruthlessly.

‘Many happy returns, by the way.’

‘Yeah, right.’

‘I hope you have something nice planned.’

‘Yup. Lots, thanks.’ Esther spoke tartly, silently thanking Shona for having come through with an offer of dinner, even though it turned out that tricksy Carole, fellow barrister and life-partner for the last ten years, wanted to come too. Apart from that, the highlight of her day was to be the usual lesson with Billy. Though at least there would be a smidge of Dylan now too, she reminded herself, thinking about silver linings.