Chapters (61)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- From the Missing Journal of Candace Swain
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- From the Missing Journal of Candace Swain
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- From the Missing Journal of Candace Swain
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- From the Missing Journal of Candace Swain
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- From the Missing Journal of Candace Swain
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- From the Journal of Candace Swain
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Letter Found in the Journal of Candace Swain
- Forty-Eight
- Acknowledgments
- Booklist
- Excerpt
I stumbled on that quote while scrolling through my Instagram feed, and it stuck with me. For weeks, I couldn’t sleep more than a few hours. I couldn’t eat more than a few bites. Because as the quote dug deeper into my soul—if I still even have a soul—I realized that I couldn’t fix my life. I can’t make a different choice. I can’t go back in time and say no. I can’t go back in time and stand up. Fear? So easy to blame fear. Fear for my life? Maybe. Not my physical life, but my future. Because what life would I have if people knew the truth?
As time marches on, as my choice torments me, I realize that it wasn’t fear that drove my decision.
It was selfishness.
Six
As Lucas sat in his bedroom trying to focus on his homework, he kept thinking about his conversation with Regan Merritt. He figured it was fifty-fifty that she would come on his podcast. Maybe sixty-forty: she had seemed interested and hadn’t dismissed him flat out like Detective Young. Jerk.
He hadn’t admitted to her that he was stuck. He hadn’t even talked to his advisor about it. On paper, the podcast had seemed like a brilliant way to find out the truth about what happened to the victim. But he hadn’t received the feedback like he’d thought he would. He’d been so excited about the caller who saw Candace in Kingman, but then...crickets. No emails, no follow-up calls, no other contributors. Was he asking the wrong questions? Had he structured the show wrong? Should he have led off with his big reveal the Candace didn’t drown in the lake?
Lizzy kept telling him to stop second-guessing himself, reminding him that he’d structured the show to end with a cliff-hanger to entice people to talk about the show and tune in next time. The stats from the last episode showed a twenty-percent increase in people livestreaming, and they were getting steady subscribers to the podcast.
Some of the emails bothered him—people accusing him of exploiting Candace’s murder. No one in Sigma Rho would talk to him. He’d reached out twice to Annie Johnston, Candace’s roommate who was now a pediatric nurse in Phoenix, and she’d ignored him.
While the caller on Friday had been anonymous on air, Lizzy got her name and an email when she first called in. Her name was Abby and she currently lived ten minutes off campus in a large apartment complex near the interstate. A lot of college students lived there because it was cheaper than places closer to campus, and the city bus was free for students. He’d emailed her on Friday, thanking her for her call, and asked if he could ask follow-up questions. She hadn’t responded yet.