Micah called Zoe up, and she took a seat behind the drum set in the corner, sticks poised in the air. When the music picked up again, Karina managed to slip out of the room unnoticed. Feeling a strange brew of disappointment in herself, she settled into her bed. After having slept on the couch for so long, she’d forgotten the comfort of a bed, which felt safe again in this new space. Still, as she lay alone in the theater, Karina felt surrounded by a sea of the unfamiliar, struggling to figure out the daily routine and norms of her new home. As the music from below pulsed through the floorboards, Karina hoped it wouldn’t take long to find the sense of belonging she had expected.

* * *

When Karina awoke in the middle of the night, the absolute darkness of the theater was unsettling, and it took a moment for her to remember where she was. Her head was aching and she desperately needed water. As she walked down the hallway, all the doors were open and the entire structure of the house was silent, asleep, breathing together. She crept down the staircase, gripping the banister carefully. In the kitchen, she drank a full glass of water and poured herself another. As she passed the living room again, half-lit by moonlight through uncovered windows, she was startled to see two figures lying on the couch, fully nude and entwined, with a kaftan blanket draped across their legs. One body was olive-toned and muscular, the other very fair. Neither face was visible, but she recognized Zoe’s blond dreadlocks. Shaken by the sense that she was intruding, Karina returned quickly to her room and climbed into bed, only later remembering she’d forgotten to leave her door open.

32 | Karina

January 3, 2015

It felt like she’d only been back asleep for a few moments when the gong sounded the next morning, and though she was still tired, Karina didn’t allow herself to linger in bed. She quickly got dressed so she was prepared to join the others on the patio, determined to do better today. As she sat in meditation with her eyes closed, the fragrance of the incense coiled into her nostrils, bringing her back to childhood. She tried to concentrate on Micah’s guiding voice as her mind rebounded between various thoughts. By the time Micah rang the gong again, Karina realized she had not truly heard anything he’d said and had again failed at meditating. Was this what it was like for Mom, when she sat in Prem’s shrine for hours of prayer? How did she maintain her concentration all that time? Karina felt a new appreciation for her mother, for all those hours she spent in what had looked like nothingness but now seemed unattainable.

After a breakfast of Greek yogurt with homemade spicy cinnamon granola, Ericka said, “Hey, Karina, Micah said you know how to take care of the horse. Will you show me?”