But as I look around the room, at the destruction I caused, I know I can’t. I know that’s not a possibility.

I drop the box to the floor and open the cabinet where more bottles of scotch are lined up in a neat row. I take one, twist the cork and break the seal to drink from it, feeling the burn on its way down. I’m about to start on the second part of the room when I hear a noise. Barking. The dogs.

I turn to the door. And standing there in black leggings and my Barbour that’s entirely too big on her is Mercedes, her hair loose and soaked down her back. Her riding boots caked with mud. I wonder if she, too, walked. The dogs stop at her side as if she were their master and not I and they all watch me, the dogs curious, Mercedes something else as she takes in the state of things. The state of me.

“Kentucky Lightning came back without you.” She enters the room. “What the hell are you doing, Judge?”

I don’t know why I feel so caught out. Like she’s seeing some part of me she was never meant to see. A part that I’ve worked very hard to hide.

“You don’t answer your fucking phone and it’s pouring out so the dogs can’t pick up your scent. Your mother said you left over an hour ago in a rage. What did you do to her? She looked terrified. What the fuck is going on?”

Paolo comes running into the room stopping short when he sees me. “You were right,” he says to Mercedes.

“Take the dogs back,” Mercedes tells him without taking her eyes off me. “I’ll stay with him.”

Paolo looks unconvinced especially when his eyes dip to the bottle. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

She turns to Paolo. “I’m fine. Go.”

“No, he’s right, Mercedes. You need to go,” I say.

She makes a point of sweeping her gaze over the room. “I don’t think so. Unless you’re coming with me.”

“Paolo,” I say.

Paolo takes her arm but she shrugs it off. She turns to him. “Go. I’ll be fine.”

Paolo looks between us.

“I’ll be fine,” she repeats.

He gives me one last glance then nods, and leaves with the dogs. Mercedes closes the door. She goes to the CD player and turns the music off. The sudden silence is heavy, like a solid thing.

I watch as she strips off my coat and drops it on the leather chair. Grandfather would have had a fit.

She comes right up to me and takes the bottle from my hand. Never taking her eyes from me she drinks a long swallow.

“You should have gone with Paolo.”

“Why? Because you’re drunk?”