She steps toward me, protecting her flowers from me.

“You want to see me smile? Hear me laugh. Once upon a time I would have given you that. Did you know that? I would have given you anything. But that time is past. You didn’t want me and you can’t change your mind anymore. So now you can want all you like. I will never smile for you. And if you ever hear me laugh, the instant I see your face that laugh will die. Because you know what I want, Judge? I want to be free of you. Of all of you!”

5

Mercedes

I apply my crimson red lipstick with a shaky hand, feeling strangely at odds with the woman staring back at me in the mirror. I still recognize her beneath the makeup, but she feels like someone from another life.

The routine I used to fall into so easily every day, applying my armor before I stepped out into the world, now makes me feel like a stranger in my own skin. When Judge sent Lois to give me back my makeup bag this morning, I knew it wasn’t out of the kindness of his heart. Neither is his agreement to let me see my friends. I would be a fool to believe that for even a second.

The reality of it is I’m his hostage, and this is a negotiation, much like everything else in my life. I have no doubts Georgie and Solana have been making a lot of noise about my absence, and The Society won’t like that. Judge has certainly let it be known that he doesn’t either. Today isn’t about allowing me to spend time with my friends. It’s about showing proof of life to keep them quiet.

A deep wave of grief moves over me, and my lipstick clatters into the sink, smearing red across the white porcelain. Goddammit, I’m so sick of crying. I wave my hands in front of my face, forcing the tears back before they ruin the makeup I’ve spent the last twenty minutes applying. I can’t do this. Not today.

Just when I think I’ve succeeded in pulling myself together, a door slams from somewhere down the hall, and it makes me jolt. My chest pulls tight, throat squeezing as my heart knocks against my rib cage at a frantic pace. A cocktail of hormones floods my body, and I have to grip the sink hard to keep from passing out.