I stepped away. I didn’t deserve his hand on my shoulder. The kindness in his voice. It was bad enough that I’d forgotten about Colleen’s audition. But there was something infinitely worse than that. For a second, when I thought Colleen hadn’t done well, I’d been happy. I couldn’t run away from that truth. I’d been happy when I thought my best friend had failed. And jealous when I realized she still had a chance. Something became bitterly clear then. It wasn’t just my body that was broken. My brain couldn’t let go of what I’d lost. And my heart—my heart clearly didn’t work anymore. It was mean and jealous and awful, and it couldn’t be fixed.

Margot was right the first time. I really was a Robobitch. And Jude didn’t deserve that. None of them did.

“I’m horrible,” I whispered.

“Alina. You’re not,” Jude said, reaching for my hand.

I stepped away again. “You don’t know that. I have to go.”

“Okay, but wait, let me say what I was going to say before Juliet came. Please?” I turned to him, even though I couldn’t look him in the eye.

“You asked me why I didn’t kiss you all those times I wanted to. It’s because I was being an idiot. I wanted to give you space because when you go through something that changes everything, you don’t always know what you want. I definitely didn’t, when my dad left. So I told myself to step back and be your friend and if you wanted more, like I did, it had to come from you. But that was stupid. You’re smart and strong and you don’t need me to decide things for you. I should have kissed you when I wanted to kiss you.”

He took a slow step toward me. When I didn’t move, he let out a breath. “I should have kissed you at Winter Formal.”

A step closer. “I should have kissed you in the parking lot.”

Another step. “And I definitely should have kissed you at Fly Zone. Because when I didn’t, I swear I almost cried.”

I let out a shivery laugh. I couldn’t help it. He was making me forget everything again. He rested his hands on the sides of my face. “I should have kissed you all those times because I know you would have told me to back off if you needed me to. And I would have listened.”