“Freer,” I said, remembering what he’d told me at Winter Formal. “Than you were before.”

“Yeah. But if I went to lunch with him, I don’t know. Maybe I’d start remembering the good things about him. He’s funny and charismatic as hell and tells good stories… it’s probably why my mom fell for him in the first place. And once when I was little, I watched Poltergeist even though I wasn’t allowed, and I got so scared I couldn’t sleep, so he stayed up for hours, reading me The Hobbit until I fell asleep.” Jude winced a little at the memory. “It would make the whole thing harder, if I remember the good stuff along with the bad. Do you get what I mean?”

I did. It sounded practical. Wise. “I do, except I’m the opposite way.”

“How so?” Jude sat up, facing me.

“It’s a long story, never mind.” I wanted to keep talking about his dad. “So do you think—”

“Wait,” Jude interrupted. “Tell me.”

I hesitated. But his kind hazel eyes didn’t move from mine, and after a few seconds, the words came up. “With ballet, I have no problem remembering the good. It’s all I want to remember. I devoted my life to ballet, and if it’s this good, beautiful thing, then it makes sense that I gave my life to it and feel broken now that I can’t do it anymore.” I paused for a second, gathering my thoughts.

“But if I remember the bad parts—like the fact that these two white girls in my class always got picked for the lead roles over me and Colleen, and the fact that, even outside of KDBS, lots of ballet teachers and companies choose to follow problematic traditions instead of changing them…” I bit my lip, thinking about The Nutcracker, about how hard it was to believe that Kira’s casting decisions were fair, especially after Colleen’s text about Giselle. “If I remember those parts, it’s like I made a mistake by letting ballet be such a big part of who I am. Like I shouldn’t feel so broken about losing it because it wasn’t so beautiful or good. Maybe I’m better off without it. But that doesn’t feel true, either.”

I inhaled and held the breath for a moment before letting it out.

“Maybe because…” Jude paused. “Because you lost something you loved. Things can have a lot of flaws and you can still love them, even if you feel like you shouldn’t? Maybe?”