This is something I’ve not really thought about. Nick being a detective, telling the boys stories of his job, making himself sound brave in the process, might make them believe that’s the way you should be. Leo is more like me, sensitive and happy to show his emotions – but Finley does appear to be more of a closed book, not willing to open up as much. Like Nick. And, like Nick, he internalises far more. Have we, as parents, been unintentionally reinforcing this trait? Maybe that’s why Finley doesn’t feel able to talk to me about his feelings. The things going on in the house might well be his way of acting out his emotions without having to speak about them.

I will need to do some research on this kind of behaviour when they’re at school. I hate to think I’ve let Finley down by not helping him acknowledge and work through his feelings about our separation and my new relationship. However, I don’t want to be in this house alone today. I feel the need to escape these four walls; be alone, somewhere peaceful. I want to be by the sea. I’ll drive to Teignmouth once I’ve dropped the kids to school. I could go to the library and use their computer, then sit on the seafront. Blow away the cobwebs. Clear my head and try to figure out how to progress from here.

‘I think you and me should have a proper chat after school today,’ I say, as nonchalant as possible.

‘Am I in trouble?’ he asks, Coco Pops spilling from his open mouth.

‘No. Of course not. We haven’t had a lot of time together, just the two of us – it’s about time we did, that’s all.’

‘What about Leo?’

‘I’m sure Jo and Keeley would be fine with him going over to theirs for a couple of hours. What do you think?’

He contemplates this for a little while – shovelling the last of his breakfast into his mouth before replying.

‘Sure,’ he says. Then, as he’s leaving the kitchen, he adds, ‘I’ve got something I want to tell you, anyway.’

My pulse skips. I wonder if it’s about what I suspect it is.

Chapter Fifty-Six

Amber

The tips of my fingers are numb. I cradle the takeaway cup of hot chocolate, but the heat has all but gone. I’ve been sitting on a bench on the seafront for the past hour, watching the boats, listening to the crashing waves, breathing in the chilly sea air. I lick my lips, the salty taste replacing the sweetness of the chocolate.