I swallowed. I’d been such an idiot. He and I should have just stayed friends. I would have been there now, taking notes for him, chatting to him when no one was around, exchanging little messages that would disappear into thin air at the end of the day, as long as we remembered to close our screens. I’d ruined it all now. We’d ruined it all.

Then my phone beeped with a message. I checked it warily; those men from the escort site had made me frightened of my own phone. It was an e-mail from Tom, forwarding some tickets. It was for a showing of Star Wars with a live orchestra at the Royal Albert Hall in London, the afternoon before Christmas Eve. It was just the sort of thing I loved to do. There were three tickets.

Hi, Ruby,

Hope you’re having a good weekend. I saw these tickets advertised and knew they’d sell out fast so I thought I’d get some for you. You’ll love it. Perhaps take Josh and a friend? I’m in Scotland this weekend visiting my brother. He sends his love.

So do I.

x

CHAPTER 51

Ruby

I didn’t respond to Tom’s message, but he gave me plenty to think about that day. Buying those tickets was the sort of thing he’d done when we first met. He loved to give me surprises. Whenever it was my birthday or Christmas or our anniversary he’d be grinning for weeks beforehand, excited to see what my reaction would be to his gifts. And his gifts were perfect, thoughtful. Usually something I didn’t know I wanted until I saw it wrapped up for me. Last night I’d felt vulnerable and scared; Tom’s gift this morning made me feel as though he still loved me. Still cared for me. I knew that if I called him to tell him what had happened he’d come rushing back from Scotland to help me. I knew, too, that if he did that I’d move back into my house. What I didn’t know was whether that would make me happy. Whether he’d ever forgive me. Whether I could ever truly love him again.

I went out for a walk and found myself near the local railway station. On impulse I caught the train into Liverpool. I knew it would be crowded there. I was sick of solitude. But as I walked among the shoppers all I noticed were other couples. Families. Happy mums beaming at their children. Couples kissing. It was too much.

I went to the café in Waterstones bookshop and looked at the Booker Prize shortlist there, planning which books I’d buy when I got paid, then wandered down to John Lewis, a big department store at the heart of Liverpool ONE.