‘A week?’

‘Package for you.’ Jeff comes back into the kitchen, heaving a large crate with First Move Security Solutions on the side.

‘Security Solutions?’ Luke stares at the crate. ‘What’s this?’

‘It’s … er … some stuff I bought.’

‘Oh Christ.’ He closes his eyes. ‘What have you done now?’

‘You don’t need to sound like that! It was recommended by the experts!’ I reach for a knife and jemmy off the top of the crate. ‘They said I might like to consider investing in extra security for my family. So I bought …’

I hesitate as I peer into the crate, slightly losing my nerve. They look a bit more military than I was expecting.

‘What?’ demands Luke. ‘What did you buy?’

‘Body armour.’ I try to sound casual. ‘Just as a precaution. Loads of celebrities wear it.’

‘Body armour?’ Luke’s voice rises incredulously. ‘You mean, bullet-proof vests?’

‘Bullet-proof vests?’ Suze spits out her tea. ‘Bex, you didn’t!’

‘This one is for you.’ I pull out the Panther model in taupe, which I thought would really suit Suze.

‘I’m not wearing a bullet-proof vest!’ she says in horror. ‘Get that thing away from me!’

‘How much did these cost?’ Luke is holding up the Leopard model in khaki green, with a finger and thumb.

‘It doesn’t matter how much they cost,’ I say defensively. ‘Who can put a price on the safety of loved ones? And anyway, there was a special offer. Buy four garments and get a stun gun free.’

‘A stun gun?’ Luke recoils.

‘Every family should have a stun gun,’ I say, more confidently than I feel.

‘You’ve gone insane.’ Luke turns to Suze. ‘She’s insane.’

‘Luke, I’m not a civilian any more!’ I exclaim. ‘Life has changed! Don’t you understand that?’

I feel so frustrated. Why don’t they get it? Sage understands, and the man at the security company totally understood. In fact, he thought I should buy a door-frame X-ray scanner, too, and change all our locks to ‘panic hardware’.

‘Becky, my darling,’ says Luke kindly. ‘You are totally and utterly deluded, if you think—’

He breaks off as a frantic barking comes from outside. The next minute, Jeff is on his feet, listening furiously to his earpiece.

‘Stay where you are,’ he says gruffly to me. ‘We have a situation.’ As he hurries out of the kitchen, I hear him ordering, ‘Describe the intruder.’

Situation? Intruder? My heart spasms in fear.

Well, if I’m honest, half in fear and half in triumph.

‘You see?’ I say to Luke. ‘You see? Minnie, darling, come here.’ I draw her protectively towards me, my voice quivering. She gazes up at me, her eyes huge and questioning, and I stroke her brow. ‘Children, stay away from the windows. We’ll be fine.’ I try to sound brave and positive. ‘Let’s just keep calm and sing “My Favourite Things”.’

We need a panic room. That’s what celebrities have. And maybe more dogs.

‘Is it a burglar?’ Clemmie starts to cry.