that night, i swore off second chances. i was convinced that nobody can change, even the people who want to the most. i had spent the first half of my freshman year of high school crying over you and then spent the second half loving you, only to end it crying, again. the same reason. the same girl. the same weaknesses: your romanticism, your sharp mouth, your refusal to see your mistakes. people can change the way they dress and the way they smile, i told myself, but at their core, nobody can change. some people will be doomed to give too much love to those who do not deserve it. i already knew, then, that i was one of those fools.

it hurt less. the pain faded within days. after a few weeks, i don’t think i loved you at all. my heart had learned its lesson and my mind was busy gloating. it taunted me for months. i wanted to ask it why it didn’t speak up sooner. my mind did not admit that it was in love with you too. years later, it came back and did the same after i let somebody else take chance after chance after chance from me.

i did not answer your texts for days. i wanted you to figure it out on your own. i didn’t want to have to spell it out for you. in the end, you stopped texting. you put everything in the right order. she texted me, why can’t you let us be friends? i told her, because that’s what happened the last time. i think she started to hate me then. i never told her i knew she loved you. i had always known. i told her, you can have him. she blocked my number. i don’t know if she ever had you, but she moved away a few months later.

i found the poems in me again. i pulled them out of joints and stomach lining. i spit them out onto the page. i whispered them sweet apologies. i said, i am sorry i gave you the light and then took it away. i am sorry i promised greatness and then traded you for somebody else.

i said, i am sorry for being like him.

the poems forgave me.

i said, you really are a part of me, and then i began to rebuild.

—on second chances and when to give them

word of advice #1:

love isn’t allowing somebody

to love yourself on your behalf

you are the only one who knows

how to do that

people will come and go

but you

you are

forever

something to know:

your first heartbreak will not

kill you

i promise you it won’t

no matter how hard

it becomes to breathe

no matter how terrible

food tastes in your mouth

this is not the end of you

your life does not lie

in the hands of the person

who forgot your worth

it lies in yours