—the breaking

i keep wishing

and wishing

and wishing,

but i am the only

one of us stuck on 11:11.

time has moved on.

—and so have you

you were my first.

first love,

first kiss,

first hand to hold,

first love letter,

first “i love you.”

and i spent a long time

trying not to forget that,

since you were also

the first person to

completely

fucking

destroy me.

—i couldn’t tell which one was more important

does nostalgia

sink its teeth into you

like it does to me?

do you ever think of the girl

you loved before anyone?

do you ever think of how

you loved her?

how you left her?

how you broke her?

i hate.

i look in the mirror

and pinch the skin

on my stomach and my thighs.

she is prettier than me,

i think,

and she has curvier hips

and is both big and small

in all the right places.

i do not think

i am any

of those things.

so i hate.

not her,

because it wasn’t her fault.

but it wasn’t my fault either,

and yet,

here i am.

—the dark times

i cry.

i cry in the shower

and in my bed

and sometimes just randomly.

she is stronger than me,

i think,

and she knows more

about everything

and has so much to say.

i do not think

i am any

of those things.

so i cry.

not about her,

because she does not want my tears.

but you don’t want them either,

and yet,

here i am.

—the dark times ii

i love.

i love you every second

of every day

of every week you’re gone.

she is not permanent like me,

i think,

and she will not stick around.

you will realize she isn’t meant

for you and you will come back.

i think

i am all

of those things.

so i love.

not myself,

because i haven’t figured out how to.

but you haven’t figured out how to love me either,

and yet,

here i am.

—the dark times iii

the months in between were bleak.

i let a boy fall in love with me that i was never going to love back, because i missed the feeling of being wanted—

i did not know how to want myself.

i spent a lot of time reading poetry that begged for a boy to come to the rescue—

i did not know how dangerous that was,

and eventually i let you in again when you came crawling back—

i did not know how to let you go.

things that remind me of you #1

cigarette smoke / bleach cleaner / love letters / shark teeth / turtle necklaces / the beach / old dogs / lakes / confessionals / four-leaf clovers / sweaty palms / rushed kisses / tears /

/ tears /

/ tears /

/ sad poems /

/ confused poems /

/ continuous pain /

/ holding on to something that is probably dead /