I settle on a pale cream blouse and a pair of dark grey trousers. Some smart shoes, a smart jacket. When I look at my reflection in the mirror, I’d like to say I look like my old self. The outfit is one I could easily have worn to work, and my hairstyle and make-up haven’t changed. But I am different. I am changed. I can see it, clearly. I feel it in the way that, these days, I’m always trying to look myself right in the eye.

I have gained back the weight, but I am still weaker than I should be. I am aware that I tend to move more slowly. I still have some recovering to do. Part of me wonders whether I should even attend this inquest. But most of me knows that I have to see this through to the end.

When I saw my GP after discharge from the hospital, she wanted to refer me back to the mental health team. Small wonder, knowing my history, seeing the state I had got myself in. But I felt something shift in me after that night with Freya. Something that has never shifted before. So maybe I will need the mental health input again but, for now, I’ve managed to arrange a compromise: I’ve agreed to keep seeing my GP every week. And if she still wants to refer me after a month, I won’t say no.

I took Charlie to see the GP too, and all the tests she did say that he’s just fine.

The inquest is being held at Southwark Coroner’s Court. Abayomi has allowed me time off to go. He thought, in fact, that it would be good to have a representative of our Housing Association there, so I can go while Charlie is at school. He’s doing better in class now than ever. His normal teacher is back, recovered from her surgery. She tells me Charlie seems happier and brighter than ever. And I don’t tell her how things went while she was gone.

I’m going to the inquest, but I won’t have to speak. Mike Bernard, the coroner’s officer, has said there is no need for that. I can go there and just listen to what others have to say. To see what sense they have made of this for themselves.

Mike Bernard has drawn my notes up into a statement, a neat-looking document that he posted to me to sign. He had taken out a lot of my scribblings. Just stuck to the pertinent facts, just the part I contributed to Sarah’s sad fate.

Alastair has told me that he will be there. When I rang her, Marianne too said she will come. Chloe is on the other side of the world still, but she sent me a message this morning. She is thinking of Sarah. She will be there through her thoughts.

And Freya.