I fumble at the little gate in the fence. The bolt feels so small in my fingers, but I manage to pull it open, and step into the garden. The white sheets lift up as if in welcome as I cross the muddy lawn towards him. He drops the spade. Holds out his arms. I walk right into them, shrinking to a child again. I feel him plant a kiss on my head, where my scraped-back hair has grown so thin.

‘What are you doing here?’ he says. I can feel his cheek against my temple. His skin is cold. It really is freezing out here.

‘I was … I was just passing.’ I swallow to stop the tears welling up. I just want to keep standing here, sheltered in his arms.

From behind him, I hear the back door of the house open. We break apart. My mum is standing in the kitchen doorway, her face red from the rosacea she suffers. I know her hands, if she touched me, would be chapped and dry.

‘Hello, Jenn,’ she says. ‘This is a nice surprise. We had no idea you were going to visit.’

The sheets on the line lift again, cracking like a whip in the wind.

‘Why don’t you come in?’ says Dad. ‘Come in and have tea?’

‘If I’d known,’ says Mum, ‘I’d have been more prepared.’

I look at her, standing there in the doorway, like a gatekeeper. Like some obstacle I would have to get past. I push my hands into my pockets and shake my head. I can’t go in there. Not now. Not yet. I feel as though if I step inside, I won’t be able to keep my mind straight. In there is my mother’s domain. Where everything is controlled by her. The cushions on the couch, the pictures on the walls, the plates in the cupboard. And reality. Reality is controlled by her in there too.

So instead I stay out here in the cold, almost daring her to step down out of the warmth and come over to me. She doesn’t, though. Of course she doesn’t. We’re trapped in this hopeless triangle of my dad, my mum and me.

‘I don’t need to come in,’ I say. ‘I just need to ask a question.’ My lips are numbed, thick to move. ‘Just one question, and I’ll go again, don’t worry.’

‘Really, sweetheart,’ says my dad. ‘It’s been ages since we’ve seen you. And you really need to come in and get warm.’ He reaches out for me, but I shrug him off. If he hugs me again, I’ll completely lose my nerve.