‘Hi Tom, it’s me, Charlotte. I mean Charlie. It’s Charlie Taylor. I just got your message so I’m giving you a call to see about, um, maybe meeting up? Anyhow, this is my number. Oh, you already know that. Um, it’s late. Maybe chat tomorrow, yeah? Bye.’

I hang up the phone and plunge down onto my pillow, cringing and without a clue of what I just said or if I made any sense. I put Jack’s pillow over my head and will myself to sleep. It’s going to be a long night.

It’s five p.m and two days after my message to Tom Farley.

I’m in my car after torturous waiting for a reply which finally came my way, but not in the form of a phone call as I’d been expecting from him. He didn’t call me back, but instead sent a message to meet him in the bar in Howth at ‘7ish?’ today which was enough for me to go full steam ahead with my plan to get him out of my system.

I drive towards the city with my head full of memories and scenarios of what the future might bring. I head out a little bit further east, making my way towards the little peninsula of Howth where Tom and I spent so many magical moments, and my mind is racing overtime. Did he choose to meet me there for old times’ sake? Is he trying to be all nostalgic by bringing me here again? Why is he still here? Was he hoping I might get in touch? Was the song like a smoke signal to me? He knows I’m married so it’s not like he could blatantly reach out, but is this fate giving us a third and final chance at testing our destiny?

I turn the radio up, and then I turn it down, then I turn it off and then on again. I can’t concentrate when I’ve music playing, yet I feel panicky and alone if I don’t have some noise to distract my troubled mind as I see through the last minutes of the two-hour journey up to Howth. My fondest memories of my brief time spent with Tom are from this area of Dublin and I well up thinking of how emotional our reunion is going to be. The sights and smells fill me up and bring me back to those days of hopes and dreams. I feel excited inside. I’ve waited a long time for this.

But what will happen when we finally come face to face again?

Do I hug him when I see him? Is he planning dinner and drinks or just a coffee and a catch-up? Will our conversation flow like it used to or will it be stilted and distant like the years between us?