I wish I could go back in time and change everything about that day. I wish I’d just listened to him instead of divulging all about Tom to him. I should have just waited to hear him out, let him have his moment of glory with his revelation about his sexuality and his idea of a family holiday to raise my mother’s spirits that Christmas. If I hadn’t been so quick to jump in with my information, how different would all our lives be now today? Matthew had been doing so well after his battle with depression but that was all ruined by me and my big mouth.

Maybe if I’d waited … if I’d approached it in another way? If I’d let him settle into his relationship with Martin, get his confidence back fully, knowing everyone loved and accepted him for who he really was, I could have introduced the whole Tom thing in a different, softer and more appropriate way.

And where would I be now had I done that? Would I be with Tom still? Would I have met Jack? Probably not. It’s crazy to think the whole path of my life, and of Matthew’s, Tom’s and Jack’s was determined that day with that one conversation. It was all shaped by that one decision to go home to Loughisland, just all in that one moment.

And I still can’t stop thinking of the alternative, of the other, parallel version of me – would I be happier? More content? More successful? Would I be surer of who I am? I’m torturing my already troubled mind by even thinking that way.

I need to eat something before I collapse.

Jack calls me when I get home and the sound of his voice is enough to ground my nervous energy just a little. I lie down on the sofa and close my eyes as we chat about our day, each skirting around the tension in his voice that still exists over how we left things between us. He’s a decent man. He loves me, but I’ve hurt him deeply.

‘Jack, I’m missing you like crazy here,’ I say to him, wondering what on earth else I can do to make him feel better. ‘But you know, I think you’re right. I need to really get my head around everything and all the changes that have come with leaving my job and not being able to find another one so far. I think this space will be good for us both and if it’s all too much for you to trust me again, I’ll totally understand. I just hope I can prove to you that I’m worth it.’