There’s some basic medical stuff to begin with, which if you ask me is just them going through the motions, really. I mean it is a hospital, in case you need reminding. Oh, your blood pressure’s up a bit. Well, that’s a real surprise. There’s your meds to sort out. The ones you might well be on already – for a dodgy heart, gut problems, diabetes, whatever – and the variety pack of new ones you’ll be taking from now on. There’s loads more paperwork to be completed and of course you have to be issued with a handful of faded printouts telling you where you are, why you’re being detained and who’s who on the ward. Your care plan, your daily routine, your right to privacy and dignity . . .

Then, talking of which, you take your clothes off and they dole out the jim-jams.

Then they take your stuff away (remember my potentially lethal bra?).

Then, finally, several hours after stepping into then out of that airlock, you’re escorted to your lavish sleeping quarters, where a smiling nurse will show you your bed like you’ve never seen one before and ask if there’s anything else you need. I remember that all I wanted was the Wi-Fi code and for the smiling nurse to fuck the fuck off.

No prizes for guessing who that particular angel was.

So, to take a step back, you can understand why we get so worked up when someone new arrives. Why it’s such a big deal. Yeah, it’s always nice to see a fresh face, maybe make a new friend, but mostly it’s about the pecking order.

A new patient means everyone else moves up one.

Lauren, who already reckoned she was in pole position, was dancing with Graham and Lucy by now. It was like a party. I was all set to stick around, every bit as eager to catch my first glimpse of the gang’s latest member as anyone else, but when my phone buzzed and I saw who the email was from, I knew that it would have to wait.

It wasn’t like the new girl was going anywhere.

Half an hour later I was back, hanging around near the entrance to the women’s corridor with the rest of the welcoming committee – Lauren, Donna, Lucy, Graham, Ilias and Bob – and waiting for the newbie’s coming-out parade. Shaun was watching from the doorway of the music room. Tony was sitting by the airlock with his bags packed, but he was watching, too, in case our newest arrival was the Thing.

Everyone was in high spirits, yakking and smiling, so I must have looked like I’d just been shagged silly by Tom Hardy or something.

‘What you so happy about?’ Ilias asked.

My grin got even bigger. ‘Just . . . this, you know. A new face.’