I mentally slapped myself for letting that slip out. I wanted to sound fine, I wanted to be fine. I just felt so…worn. Faking it was getting harder and harder. There was too much I was juggling, too much I was hiding, too much I was…struggling with. Worrying about her, worrying about the band…worrying about Gavin…I was being assaulted from every single fucking angle, and there was no one I could talk to about it. Not really.

The loneliness started clenching around me, suffocating and cloying, and I couldn’t answer her for a long time. I forced myself to take a deep breath, to try and purge the unwanted feeling. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I told her, wishing that were true.

For once, she didn’t seem to believe me. “Kellan…is there something you want to tell me?”

Fuck. I should just tell her about Gavin…purge myself of the bulk of this pain, the largest of my secrets, the biggest of my sins. But telling her would open a fresh well of agony. I can’t tell her about Gavin and expect her to not do anything with that information. She’ll make it worse. I’m on my own. I knew I was taking too long to answer her again, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to lie again, but the truth…was out of reach.

Maybe truth-adjacent would work instead. “It’s nothing, Kiera…just the stress of the road. I’m sure you can imagine what life on a bus with Griffin is like.” I made myself laugh, made my voice sound lighter, happier. And then I let the fact that I hadn’t entirely lied wash some peace into me.

“Okay, well…if something was going on, you know that you could tell me…right?”

I could hear the beg in her voice, the plea for me to open up. It stole some of my peace as fresh remorse rippled through me. I sighed, wishing it were as simple as she made it sound. “Yeah, I know…” The melancholy started sucking me downward, and I knew if I let it continue, I would spiral…I would tell her. I shifted my gaze to take in Matt and Griffin playing cards, having fun. Laughing. Everything is fine. We’re all fine. Relax.

Seeing their joy made me feel better, and my voice was genuine when I told her, “But really, nothing is up, aside from the fact that I miss you like crazy.”

“Yeah, me too.” She sighed, then added, “Hey, I’m here at the restaurant…I need to go. I’ll call you later?”