But not yet. Right now, the hollowness looms too large. I miss Dan. I miss Andrew. And I miss the illusion that my life – my destiny – is under my own control.

When I return to the sofa, I pick up The Amazing Book of Us and go to the page about fear, and this time I try to memorize it, holding every word inside because it is the closest I can get to being back, safe, in the arms of my husband.

Chapter 37: Casey

Wednesday 25 July

I feel like the tarot rabbit: my world has turned upside down and nothing looks the same from this angle.

Mystic Debs said the cards are tools, not destiny, but already my best day ever seems like five months ago, not five days.

Everything’s gone wrong since then: Gemma has stopped replying to my messages, probably because I was so grumpy on Monday. Dad looks miserable and Mum keeps snapping at him, and I’m scared he’ll decide he doesn’t want me in his life. Why couldn’t Mum have stayed away?

But I’m the one who is really to blame for everything. Was it Bob that made me lash out, or have the proton beams hit the wrong part of my brain, frying the good bits I’ve got left?

The only person who knows how crappy I feel is Harrison, and even he’s getting slower at replying to my messages. I’ve tried to mix it up, sending at least four funny memes or videos for every moan. I scroll through our messages, trying to work out when he went off me:

Saturday – Me: My head’s all itchy. What if Bob has got so big he’s about to pop out of my ears and spill all over the floor?

Harrison: Not scientifically possible. I googled it. It could be because of the colour you had put on your hair. Might have dried out your scalp. Worth it, though!

He has the best grammar and punctuation of anyone my age I’ve ever met. That’s private school, I guess.

Sunday – Me: Do you think eating fatty food also makes Bob grow fatter? Because I just had a massive brunch at BayCaff?

Harrison: I don’t think tumours work like that. The brunches at BayCaff are worth every calorie.

Monday – Me: I keep being horrible to people. Do you think my mum and dad and Gemma will forgive me if it turns out that my brain isn’t right and that’s why I’m being such a bitch?

Harrison: Everyone has bad days.

People get bored very quickly when you’re sick. Molly was supportive when I first got diagnosed, like she was in a movie where she’d be the cool best friend and we’d meet cute boys with mysterious diseases. But the excitement wore off before I’d even had my surgery.

I don’t want the same to happen with Harrison.

He’ll be home from school now, at his mum’s house. Maybe – like the Queen of Wands and the Hanged Rabbit – I should be super-brave and call him, instead of waiting for more messages. He liked me when we were face to face.