I nod. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘But the embryos were still there, frozen. Andrew wanted me to have the choice of using them. So we saw a counsellor. And . . . after Andrew died, I waited to make sure it wasn’t grief that made me want to do this. But those embryos were made out of love and so they deserved their chance. The one they put in this time,’ she touches her tummy, ‘it’s the last one.’

I wait for the words to make sense to me, try to block out the buzzing and humming noises. I can’t work out what I should think or feel.

Until suddenly I do. Now I’m not thinking as an adult, but as Darryl, the kid who never knew his mum. I always tell people you don’t miss what you never had, but that’s bullshit. I missed her every single sports day, Christmas, birthday. Especially every birthday, because Dad could never forget it was the day he lost her, too.

Wouldn’t it be even worse to know your parent was dead years before you were even born?

Unless Gemma could be enough on her own. She has so much to give.

‘Say something then.’ Gemma looks at me and her eyes reflect the red evening sky.

‘I don’t want to say the wrong thing.’

‘You disapprove?’

‘No. Not that. I just – it’s a lot.’

‘I understand it wasn’t what you thought you were getting. With me, I mean. I almost didn’t tell you. By the weekend it might not even be an issue, if it doesn’t work. But still, it’s a big thing for me. I wanted to be honest.’

Honest. How would I feel now if I could be honest with her too? I’ve imagined my own big confession, followed by . . . what do priests call it? Absolution.

Huh. That’s a fantasy. How much must she have loved this guy to want to do this alone? I’ve never dared to love anyone that much.

‘Say something, please, Dan?’ She twists the patterned fabric of her skirt into tiny knots.

‘Sorry. I need a minute to get my head around it.’ But my tinnitus drowns out everything. The noise is too big.

Gemma stands up. ‘OK. Well, at least now you know.’

I want to hold her and tell her everything will be all right, as I did thirteen years ago to stop Angelica crying.

But if my betrayal taught me anything, it’s that lying to make people feel better in the moment is the worst thing you can do. Whatever my bloody father said.

Chapter 36: Gemma

Tuesday 24 July

I wake up feeling completely drained.

I’ve wasted too much time on this stupid obsession with a man I barely know. How crazy was it to think Dan might embrace the idea of another man’s baby? Not as crazy as convincing myself I was in love with him.

Dragging myself out of bed takes all my energy and, when I get to the loo, I want to go straight back to bed. Ideally until Saturday.