Well, I knocked at the house door, and asked to see the owner. A miserable old crone answered the door, and from the very spot where I stand speaking to you now, she pointed him out. He was trailing around on that hill there, collecting wild pears – or a real load of trouble for his back.

CHAIREAS. He’s in a proper tizz. [To PYRRHIAS] So, my friend…?

PYRRHIAS. Well, I stepped on to his land and made my way towards him. I was still quite a way off, but I wanted to show some courtesy and tact, so I called to him and said, ‘I’ve come to see you, sir, on a business matter. I want to talk to you about something that’s to your advantage.’ But ‘You horrible heathen,’ he promptly replied, ‘trespassing on my land! What’s the idea?’ And he picks up a lump of earth and lets fly with it, right in my face.

CHAIREAS. The hell he did.

PYRRHIAS. And while I had my eyes shut, muttering ‘Well, God damn you’, he picks up a stick and sets about me, saying ‘Business is it – what business is there between you and me? Don’t you know where the public highway is?’ And he was shouting at the top of his voice.

CHAIREAS. From what you say, the farmer’s a raving lunatic.

PYRRHIAS. To finish my story: I took to my heels, and he ran after me for the better part of two miles, round the hill first, then down here to this wood. And he was slinging clods and stones at me, even his pears when he’d nothing else left. He’s a proper violent piece of work, a real old heathen. For goodness’ sake, move off!

SOSTRATOS. Chicken!

PYRRHIAS. You don’t realize the danger. He’ll eat us alive.

CHAIREAS. [Edging away] He seems to be a bit upset at the moment. Put off your visit to him, Sostratos, that’s my advice. I assure you that in any sort of business, finding the psychological moment is the secret of success.

PYRRHIAS. Yes, do show some sense.

CHAIREAS. A poor farmer’s always a bit touchy – not just this one, but nearly all of them. Tomorrow morning early. I’ll go and see him on my own, now that I know where he lives. For the moment, you go home and stay there. It’ll be all right. [Exit CHAIREAS, hurriedly, right.]

PYRRHIAS. Yes, let’s do that.

SOSTRATOS. He was delighted to find an excuse. It was quite clear from the start that he didn’t want to come with me, and that he didn’t approve at all of my notion of marriage. [To PYRRHIAS] But as for you, you devil, God rot you entirely, you sinner.

PYRRHIAS. Why, what have I done, sir?

SOSTRATOS. Some damage to property, obviously.

PYRRHIAS. I swear I never touched a thing.