CHAIREAS. That was quick! Or was that your idea when you came out, to fall for a girl?

SOSTRATOS. You think it’s funny. But I’m suffering, Chaireas.

CHAIREAS. I believe you.

SOSTRATOS. That’s why I’ve brought you in on it. For I reckon you’re a good friend, and a practical man, too.

CHAIREAS. In such matters, Sostratos, my line is this. A friend asks me for help – he’s in love with a call-girl. I go straight into action, grab her, carry her off, get drunk, burn the door down, am deaf to all reason. Before even asking her name, the thing to do is to get her. Delay increases passion dangerously, but quick action produces quick relief.

But if a friend is talking about marriage and a ‘nice’ girl, then I take a different line. I check on family, finance and character. For now I’m leaving my friend a permanent record of my professional efficiency.

SOSTRATOS. Great. [Aside] But not at all what I want.

CHAIREAS. And now we must hear all about the problem.

SOSTRATOS. As soon as it was light, I sent Pyrrhias my huntsman out.

CHAIREAS. What for?

SOSTRATOS. To speak to the girl’s father, or whoever is head of the family.

CHAIREAS. Heavens, you can’t mean it!

SOSTRATOS. Yes, it was a mistake. It’s not really done to leave a job like that to a servant. But when you’re in love, it’s not too easy to remember propriety. He’s been away for ages, too, I can’t think what’s keeping him. My instructions were to report straight back home to me, when he’d found how things stood out there.

[Enter PYRRHIAS, running as if pursued.]

PYRRHIAS. Out of the way, look out, everyone scatter! There’s a maniac after me, a real maniac.

SOSTRATOS. What on earth, boy—?

PYRRHIAS. Run!

SOSTRATOS. What is it?

PYRRHIAS. He’s pelting me with lumps of earth, and stones. Oh, it’s terrible.

SOSTRATOS. Pelting you? Where the devil are you going?

PYRRHIAS. [Stopping and looking round] He’s not after me any more, perhaps?

SOSTRATOS. He certainly isn’t.

PYRRHIAS. Oh, I thought he was.

SOSTRATOS. What on earth are you talking about?

PYRRHIAS. Let’s get out of here, please.

SOSTRATOS. Where to?

PYRRHIAS. Away from this door here, as far as possible. He’s a real son of pain, a man possessed, a lunatic, living here in this house, the man you sent me to see – oh, it’s terrible! I’ve banged my toes and pretty well broken the lot.

SOSTRATOS. And your errand?

PYRRHIAS. What? He beat me up! This way [moving towards exit, right].

SOSTRATOS. This chap’s off his head.

PYRRHIAS. It’s true, sir, I swear it, on my life. For goodness’ sake, keep your eyes open. I can hardly talk, I’m so out of breath.