she looked at me the way you look at a beaten dog

Christie there’s nothing you can do she said

I think it must be meant to be she said

there’s some who have to carry the weight of the world

then she pulled out a string of rosary beads and held them in the cup of her hands

and she told me about Jesus who was just like me she said

he was just like all of us

the poor bugger suffered for us she said and we suffer for him

I had to laugh out loud

Jesus must be hard up if he needs you for a friend I said

God help us all if it’s come to that

you little bitch she said

and she held the cross up in her fist and put it right up to my face

fuck off with that I said

you’re nailed to your cross my girl she said

you’re nailed to your cross like all of us

she almost screamed at me

and her fist was shaking and the cross was shaking in her fist

and she lifted herself out of her chair and stood bent over almost double

with her tits sagging inside her nightdress and her hair hanging down

and the tears pouring from her eyes

and she opened her mouth and wailed

and a long string of spit was hanging off her bottom lip

and then I knew she wasn’t long for the world

I knew that she was dying

she was always dying

but she was dying properly now

she was as close to death as she was to me

me just stood there not knowing what to do

just howling Mama Mama crying too like she was

it would have been a sight if anyone had seen us

but there was no-one to see us

there was no-one but us two mother and daughter howling

and death right there in the room with us

and Jesus of course

nailed up on his little silver cross trembling in her fist

/

I never went back

/

I went home to the sleepout after I’d seen Mrs Kennedy

and I had more than a few just to give myself the strength I needed

that black bone was still heavy inside me

and cracking cracking

children run past me in the street and one of them spat at me

they was like little dogs yapping and biting

but I paid them no heed

the world swam all around me

it was like I was walking under water

but I got to the sleepout at last through the gate and up the sideway

I heard Beau crying inside the house as I passed but I paid no heed

there was nothing I could do for him nothing I could mend nothing I could change

I curled up on my bed I stayed there for I don’t know how long