Ayanna let her mother stand up. She refused to walk her to it. Her mother limped over to the door. Stood on the cusp. Reached an arm. Pulled it back before it went all the way through. Ayanna couldn’t get any closer. She knew one step more would become all the steps. Ayanna held on to her knees as if her legs would walk over. I am meant to be here, she told herself. Staying here is the right choice. Going through won’t change things in a way I want. Thought it over and over again and didn’t realize that she was rocking with the effort of keeping herself on Earth. Opal continued trying to get herself through the door but could not do it. Ayanna couldn’t watch. She did not know if she was making the right decision. A part of her hated herself for not walking through, striding through the long grass, looking in the distance for signs of Olivia and how she might have survived, going down the hill to the berry bushes, to the spot where all the lights had converged into a new door. Waiting there for as long as it took for Olivia to appear. Ayanna wanted to walk through all the universe’s wilds, calling her sister’s name. She forced herself to watch. Her mom tentatively reaching an arm or leg forward, swaying back. Ayanna told herself to look past her, to see if a figure was approaching. She would go through the door only if she saw her sister, to bring her home.

She watched and waited. Muscles tense. The grass swayed but there was no sign of what moved the blades. The door slammed shut again.

“I didn’t hear her,” Opal said.

“Me either,” Ayanna said.

They sat next to each other, waiting to see what the door would bring next.

28

The next morning, the door opened again to the blue meadows. It was so beautiful that Ayanna teared up. Azure morning light where everything felt wrapped in its soft embrace. A blue that made you want to whisper because it felt so impossible. Real life would break it. The grass was swaying. Everything was quiet. Opal patted Ayanna’s knee. “This is what I want,” her mother said.