Felix paused. He was smiling a little bit. One of his front teeth was crooked and bent in toward the other. There was a birthmark, darker brown, beneath his left eye. A pack of cigarettes was peeking out of the pocket of the light blue button-down shirt he was wearing. Ayanna couldn’t tell if she was noticing these things about him because maybe he would become someone important to her or if the intensity of a conversation about ideas, of how seriously he was speaking, how his dark brown eyes were kind, made it feel like having a crush. He was a man who actually allowed himself to find women funny. He had apologized to her for making her feel uncomfortable. It was annoying how just these moments of respect did so much. There was still so much to learn about living at twenty, but Ayanna had a strict rule about men: don’t date anyone who won’t laugh at a woman’s jokes. No smiles, no kind gazes, no “Oh, that’s funny,” only genuine laughs. Felix’s laugh was a little deep, sometimes close to a snort when something really got him.

“I think it would depend on the artist, right? Toni Morrison talked about feeling voices move through her when she was working on her novels. Several writers and artists have embarked on different forms of mediumship, like Lucille Clifton. So, I think some people would find it very offensive, yeah. But others might think it’s an even greater testament to their art, they can look and commune with invisible realities and sources and still make something understandable and beautiful for those who can’t.”

A theory, long denied, was moving from seed to bloom in Ayanna’s brain.

“Can I visit the institute sometime?”

“I can talk to Professor Collins, but I’m sure she’ll say yes.”

One of the few childhood memories Ayanna had from when her parents were still together was of her mom telling them very earnestly about how the world was made. There was nothing, and then there was light, and then there were birds. She had not realized her mother was remembering and reciting from the Bible. The story had never done what it was supposed to do, which was make her feel sleepy and relaxed. The idea of the darkness and the void and that someone—although even then she knew it was not a good idea to refer to God as just some boring old someone—had woken up one day and seen they could make a void into something beautiful.

She had a similar feeing in this moment listening to Felix speak, here was someone who was talking and giving her the tools to build a life. She wanted to be that to someone else. It was the most she had wanted something in two years. Ayanna looked away so Felix couldn’t see how wet her eyes were.

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