Up close, Ayanna could see lines on her mother’s forehead, the kind that made her feel like she could see all the nights of being upset and furious and lonely spread across a decade of her life. She no longer cared about tidiness or keeping her nails polished and even. There were times when her mother was more interesting to her than the door. The way she cleared her throat now or crossed her legs. The way she sometimes spoke quietly to herself, “Opal, this is your chance.”

So many therapists had asked Ayanna if she had anger at her mother she needed to express. At both her parents. Mostly in these moments, Ayanna felt annoyed with herself for thinking about her father, not her mother. Maybe it was because it would’ve been easier in some ways to deal with him. Ayanna felt certain she could convince him to go home. She still occasionally spoke to him and did have things to say to her brothers. They were funny and sweet. She didn’t mind being twenty-five and twenty-eight years older than them. But her mother had become only a string of obnoxious words on her phone over the years. She hadn’t realized how little she thought of her mother as a person until being confronted by her again. They continued to share bags of salty snacks and say very little to each other. It was a relief, too, to be in her presence and no longer feel like she wanted or needed anything from her.

“What if I took you to church?” Ayanna offered. “When’s the last time you’ve been to Mass?”

Opal ignored her.

Olivia, I am trying, Ayanna thought.

“You told me once that God made everything worth doing.”

“Why would I listen to you?” Opal leaned back, dug her hands into the dirt. “You don’t believe in anything.”

It was almost impossible not to shrug like she was sixteen again.

Finally, when Ayanna was so exhausted that she could feel every bone in her body, like their weight was making her muscles tired, the door opened again to the blue meadow. The grass seemed longer than before, the blue sky a little lighter, less like a gloaming and closer to daybreak. In her apartment, the map she and Olivia had discussed was tucked into a folder. Still, Ayanna thought she knew the way. It was burned in her brain.

Give me a sign, Ayanna thought. Please come home.