She continued on. Swiped her card to enter the woods, and if her brain had been feeling even a little better, Ayanna would’ve felt a small wonder at how beautiful it was that evening. The moonlight was so clear among the gloom, its light felt like a river among the trees, something that could’ve been grabbed by quick hands, forced into a bottle, and distilled into a miraculous tonic. She might have seen the little white cat hunting in the night, the way its eyes were bright and reflecting green in the moonlight, and how its bottom half couldn’t resist wriggling a little with the excitement and pleasure of the hunt. She could have absorbed herself in how tall the trees were, indulged herself in thinking about all the weather and winds they had felt, and wondered at how they conceived of life. What was it like to be alive in such a passive way? But she was crying, and Ayanna’s brain was empty with the pull to be nothing. It hurt too much to keep living this way. The wind swirled dead leaves along the ground, plucked those who could not hold on any longer away from their branches.

Ayanna lingered near the path, making sure no one was there. There was a shadow that for some long, scared moments, she was sure was Felix. He would not be able to change her mind, crush or no crush, and she did not want him to have to think about this night for the rest of his life. It felt cruel to make him wonder if he had said something, noticed something, would everything be different?

On the small golden path, she pulled out her sister’s pajamas, her nail polish. Olivia, Olivia, Olivia, she thought. You don’t have to forgive me. I should have been the one who died. Will this be enough to make you forgive me a little? I don’t want to do this anymore. I’ve ruined everything. She did not expect, or even hope, her sister to appear after last time. It was the only way she could think of to say a penance before what she was about to do.

The spirit who had been harassing her briefly appeared, kissed her forehead. “There’s a tall parking structure less than a mile from here. I’ll be waiting for you when you’ve done it. Thank you, thank you.”

She nodded. There was no point in fighting with him. He kissed her face again and she could smell his nidorous breath, feel the wet of his impatient lips, and knew he was becoming more and more solid with his desire to reunite.