After ten minutes of thinking of her sister, a small part of her disappointed that even now Olivia refused to come to her, to tell her to live, realizing that must mean Olivia, too, hated her, and then feeling even more swallowed by self-loathing for being remotely angry at her sister, Ayanna stuffed her sister’s things back in the backpack and walked to the parking structure.

The parking structure was high. She could see all the way to her dorm, past that even to all the small, expensive houses the professors lived in. The city lights: yellow, pink, white. And the moon, so big and close and orange. A mist in the chill air. Ayanna thought when she jumped, maybe instead of the ground, she’d fall into the mist instead. She stood at the very edge, felt all the night and its pressure on her shoulders, but still could not do it. Ayanna hated herself more, tried to will herself to be clumsy, to slip. She had been clumsy in so many other situations, but her body refused to plunge into the night while her brain thought: I hate you so much, I hate you. This could finally be over.

The moon, a large judging eye, refusing to tell her what to do. Silver cars around her and feet that refused to die.

She went back to the elevator, noticed how dirty the buttons were on the way down. Why couldn’t she even do this? It was what she wanted. And for a moment, Ayanna was so angry with herself she considered going back up. But she knew this wasn’t right and shuffled out of the elevator.

What she was supposed to do: Call her grandmother and tell her she was in trouble, call one of her old high school friends that had known both her and Olivia? Ayanna knew she could call Jane or Felix or Stephen. She could try calling her father. She was supposed to eat something, drink a glass of water, and do things that helped her remember she was responsible to herself. She was worthwhile and life was a gift. What a bunch of bullshit.

Ayanna walked to different open convenience stores and bought enough migraine medication that maybe, if she was diligent and took them all, and did not vomit, they would finally make this end. At first, she bought a lotto ticket or a lighter to make it seem less weird, but then it became clear the cashiers on their Bluetooths, their eyes on the security camera footage coming from the liquor aisles, did not care or even notice her.