I am removed from the thread. I stare at my phone and feel like I might be sick. My cheeks are burning hot. I don’t want to cry, but once it starts, I don’t know how to stop. I am gulping and gasping. I hate myself. My head is pounding. I rush to the bathroom and try to stand over the toilet, the last of my sobs coming out with a string of spit. I gag and cough, but nothing comes.

I am invited and removed from more threads all evening long. I turn my phone off, and finally, after crying so hard there is nothing left, I fall asleep.

*   *   *

I wake and remember. This is my new normal.

Lottie and I have had fights before. We’ve been best friends our whole lives, so it’s not like we’ve never had periods where we’re not speaking. Our parents usually act as peacemakers, bringing us together for movies or pizza or whatever. We get over the awkwardness and grumble apologies. We pretty quickly forget whatever it was we were arguing about.

But this is different. They see me as something I’m not. They turned me into someone I’m not.

It worsens.

I try to fix things. I wait for Lottie after school, a few days in a row, shyly, trying to disappear but hoping she’ll see me. But she just walks by me with a bunch of other people. Once she looks back when Breanne makes a face at me and laughs loudly, but she doesn’t hold my eyes for long. She looks worried for a second, but then her face hardens, and she just shrugs and turns away. Like she figures this is the price I have to pay.

I text her.

Why are you doing this

Why are u being such a bitch? you know me

I wait a few days and try again.

Wtf I was trying to say your dad/mom is awesome. I love your family you know that. I never did anything with aidan or anyone else. You know that.

She unfollows me on Instagram. I unfollow her, then regret it, but can’t go back. School is now something I endure. I come home exhausted every day. Dread and being on the defensive takes all of my energy. I spend the day ready for someone to strike, waiting and watching, weighing the jabs and letting most roll off me. I don’t know how or why it changed so quickly. Why they hate me. It’s incredible to me that they can hate like that. I try everything, and nothing works. I try to be myself, but no one wants that.

*   *   *