I find myself in the fiction section, far from the gossiping crowd, and pull out a few well-worn copies of the books I loved when I was a kid. The Babysitters Club covers, in their fuzzy worn-and-faded beauty, give me that happy-sad feeling I hate but can’t seem to dodge, like some heat-seeking missile in old cartoons. I thumb through one, wishing I was in the tub or on the toilet at my house, with nothing to worry about except whether or not the characters will solve their fairly simple problem by the end of the book. I put it back and lean against the shelves. So much has changed since then. Sadness takes me completely by surprise, and I find myself swallowing against a lump in my throat, wondering what is wrong with me.

“What are you doing?”

It’s Matthew.

“Nothing. Just standing here.”

“Yeah. I can see why. This is a good place to stand.” He leans against the stacks beside me and pretends to enjoy the view of the bookcase directly across from us.

“What are you doing your research project on?” I ask to change the subject.

“The Great Lakes.”

“Excellent choice.”

“Did you know that Lake Superior contains enough water to submerge North and South America in a foot of water?”

“I did not. Wow.”

“I learned that on Buzzfeed.”

I compliment Matthew on his hard-hitting investigative research, and we laugh, and I don’t feel so bad for a moment. We say nothing for a few minutes, while Matthew looks through an old copy of The Hobbit, his finger tracing a map of the Shire. Then Paige sticks her head around the shelves.

“There you are!” She looks at me, smiling, and then starts when she sees Matthew. “Oh—hello.”

He nods a greeting, then looks back at me.

“Come sit with us!” Paige says, grabbing my wrist, pulling me away. “Breanne found the most hilarious thing; you have to see.”

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit how happy this makes me, my face blushing. Matthew raises a hand as I go, shrugging as though I have no choice in the matter, accepting that bullshit with a resigned smile.

Chapter 5

5

Episode 67 1:10

High school sports events: football, basketball, hockey. Bringing all the rink rats and cheerleaders and fangirls to the yard. The big game is a breeding ground for conflict, romance, and puking: the cornerstone of a classic film.

There are more nights, meaningless and meaningful group hangs at different houses in rotation: Paige’s, Aidan’s, the backyard of a guy named Josh, even Lottie’s place once—when her parents are out.