When I get home, Reg’s car is still in our driveway. It’s quiet in the house, and dark, but the darkness doesn’t stop. I feel like I’m filled with the black ink of all the world’s pathetic diary entries. The noise from the arena is still echoing in my ears, rumbling in my fingertips. I left without Lottie or Paige, walking home by myself—not because I wanted to be alone but because I didn’t, and thought that if I was with them I’d feel worse.

I take out my phone, but no one has texted me. I reach across a different divide.

Hey dad

He pings back pretty quickly. Hi kiddo whats up

Nothing just saying hi

Hi!

We exchange some emojis and then he signs off, says it’s too late for an old man to be up. I sit at my desk and look at my geography textbook and its diagram of soil formations. I draw another layer at the bottom in pencil with a small arrow and label: me.

Chapter 6

6

Episode 68 00:00

The high school cafeteria. The great leveler of high school movies. It’s where the entire mass of beauties and weirdos come together to eat and do so much more: try and fit in, wish lunch would end, laugh with friends or stare at people they have crushes on. It is universally different and the same: terrible food, echoing laughter, the screech of chairs. It’s got it all with a side of fries.

The next day, I take my tray across the lunchroom and slide onto the bench beside Paige. Lottie is on her other side. She is giggling at something Luke just said.

Breanne is standing up, her long red hair like a cape. She isn’t laughing. She’s sipping her drink from a straw and looking at Paige’s tray, her eyes narrowing. “Is that all you’re having?”

Paige looks at the yogurt container in front of her. “Yeah, I’m full,” she says, looking away, her smile fading. Breanne raises an eyebrow.

I look at Paige and smile. “That’s how you get to look so great, right? The discipline. Like, remember when you were, like, counting the peanuts the other day? It’s impressive.”

I look up, and everyone is looking at me.

Breanne laughs. “Wow, Stevie, bold. You think an eating disorder is ‘impressive’? Want her to have another week in the hospital so she can look great?” She widens her eyes and shakes her head. “Kind of cruel, don’t you think?” She smirks, looking at the others. They all look at her and then follow suit: eyes on me, disgust and disbelief.

Paige looks down at her lap, her mouth disappearing.

Oh God. I wish I could slip backward in time and redo the last fifteen seconds.

Breanne takes a sip, watching to see what I’ll do.

So. Stupid. I should have known.

“Oh, shit. Paige—”