11:34am: seems way too bright outside. the sky looks broken, clouds are like an oily soap film on water or something. nothing looks right. just noticed christmas wreath on a light on my building. seems like the only appropriate thing. like ‘what the fuck…’ is the only appropriate thing. feeling, as usual, unable to complete tasks i said i’d do. like what is supposed to happen to me today? i’ll write a letter about how i’m good and want to live in an apartment building? then i’ll…print it? somehow? somewhere? the library? then i’ll…find a fed ex? park my car? send it? it’s….already this late, the application? yeah? then i’ll send a check to the truck school, for my loans, three months of loan payments? then i’ll get more birth control? then i’ll get boxes? then i’ll put all my books and things from this apartment into the boxes? the boxes will be moved out of here on sunday? then i’ll write things that aren’t this? then i’ll…respond to emails? i’ll be talking to people, as i’m doing all of these things?

12–2:30PM: extreme tiredness. tried to screenshot the reflection of my face in computer and was shocked a little, to not see myself in the screenshot, like that meant i’m dead maybe. remembered things about ‘real life.’

2:30PM: overcome with foreign urge to masturbate. remember sam cooke requesting me to write something about masturbating, was aware of like, ‘how will i remember this’ as i was looking for things to masturbate to, which maybe effected the length of time i felt it took to find something ‘good.’ i was also extremely tired. think i fell asleep with eyes open and woke twice via hypnic jerk. didn’t feel aroused when masturbating, except when i was about to orgasm, then i’d be like ‘what the fuck, my body could do this all along?’ masturbated a few times in a row with varied frequencies between the orgasms, to like, test if i had been able to do it all along. i could do it all along.

3:30PM: saw images of things i masturbated to when i closed eyes. a lot of cunnilingus happening behind my eyes. felt annoyed by them, like they were pop-up ads of porn and i wanted to swat them away so i could sleep. set alarm for 4:04PM.

6:17PM: gian was wearing a white robe and speaking at a college graduation. he was also the…like…what do you call the smartest person in the class? they’re famous, kind of? for like…their grades are so good…anyway. the college graduation was at a coliseum. i was the only non-college person there, not wearing a robe. gian gave his speech (which wasn’t too long, it was really good, there were going to be like, headlines about it like the DFW speech [was going to write ‘when DFW graduated college’ as if that’s when he…just laughed and a snot flew out…still waking, jesus]).

here is the thing.