8:07pm: think about how many people would kill themselves if they knew they could see how people would react to their death. I would definitely do that. Then I’d probably get bored and want to be alive again.

Listening to Barr. Stopped at CVS for uti pain medicine. Sometimes I’m really moved by Barr. He seems really intense, maybe, to hang out with. I feel like we ‘get it’ and probably have the same sense of humor, but I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from arguing with him about things he feels more strongly about than I do. He reminds me of Zachary. The music thing Zachary did, Fishkind, was like a funnier version of Barr.

Picked up bag of ‘unreal’-brand candy. It’s candy without corn syrup and preservatives and hydrogenated things. There are three kinds: fake snickers, fake Reese’s peanut butter cups, fake Milky Way. Got the Reese’s kind. Who the hell eats milky ways. I did when I was little. Have a memory of running in a field after…I think my parents just parked so I could run or something. I was always wanting to run everywhere. It was in a grassy area of parking lot, in my memory, where I ran and my dad said ‘time to go’ and I said ‘can I have a Milky Way?’ He said there was one waiting for me in the car. It was in the car. It was a ‘Milky Way Dark.’ That can’t be right. Warped memory. I like the warped one better.

Get goosebumps/tingles when I listen to Barr. Haven’t listened to this in a long time. Sometimes I like, laugh/cry, not a wet cry. Before I started writing in this I had done that, I was laughing and crying and said ‘what the fuck’ about the last song on the album.

8:26pm: missed exit on 687 turning around. Using written directions via broken phone. Passed nytmes building. The breakup song is good, I like when he goes ‘catharsis is real.’

10:10pm: slow traffic on 95. Passing building that says ‘one stamford forum.’ Looks misspelled. Stopped for gas and to ask for directions earlier. Think I’m in Connecticut. Hope Alec and his friends also encountered traffic. Before I left I thought I had lost phone and quickly accepted that. I wouldn’t even try to get another one. Life without a phone seems fine. Maybe better. I like not feeling reliant on gmaps for directions, it’s like an adventure, nature hike.

August 12, 2013

AUGUST 12, 2013

1:48am: driving to gas station. Arrived at Alec’s a little before 1am. Was driving up and down his street a few times looking for his house. Knocked on door and rang bell and walked around porch. Left him a note. On my way into city, saw a building with a decorative neon red design that looked like another language. Alien language. What if that was my spaceship and I missed it.