10:33am: walking around whole foods. Struggling not to show physical shivering. Teeth are chattering like, unstoppably, it feels good to let them. The vibrating chattering shivering thing is designed to help me somehow. My ideal self is a giant vibrating head vibrating so intensely you cant even tell it’s vibrating, it makes you feel like you’re vibrating, it’s just this giant head floating in another dimension.

Passed a woman freely sampling trail mix from bulk containers, nodding excitedly, like she wanted to say ‘that’s a great point you just made.’ Or that they were a new kind of music performed for the first time in her life, that she would then stop everything and rearrange her life to tour with them.

Bought two green juices, a coconut water, four-pack steaz zero calorie energy drinks, large container papaya. Bought mint green nail polish and a grapefruit candle because I wanted to see the sentence ‘bought mint green nail polish and a grapefruit candle.’ Thought ‘small kindness of consumerism.’ In car now, teeth chattering and shivering still.

10:46am: wanted another cigarette three drags into this one. Would it be good to just smoke five simultaneously? Is that what I really want? Is that what…all of this…is that the thing that’s going to make me stop wanting anything? It was actually 10:47 when I wrote that, thought ‘it’s okay, it’s accurate, it’s always 10:46 somewhere. 10:46: Beer o’clock.’

11:28am: impulsively pulled into Dunkin donuts. Ordered an everything bagel toasted with cream cheese and medium coffee. Remembered meeting Colin at a Dunkin donuts in Rockaway Park and felt ashamed. He was eating a multigrain bagel. Letting things I want skip away from me. Wish I had gotten multigrain, knew everything would have too much flavor for me right now. Have just been driving around since whole foods. Saw Ana Carrete posted a picture of food in a McDonald’s bag on instagram and thought ‘get chic fil a, it’s okay, you deserve it’ then passed chic fil a 20 minutes later and knew I didn’t want it. Pictured bagel ex-boyfriend had the other day. Looked so good. Dunkin donuts. Sat in parked car. Bit bagel like it was a sandwich. Was correct: it had too much flavor for right now.

Re-read parts of this. I seem more interesting and better adjusted when not around ex-boyfriend. A little worried about this. Feel something crippling me right now, knowing soon I’ll be returning ‘home’ to a place where there are mostly memories, scattered evidence of how I’ve been malfunctioning the past few days, year. I’m nostalgic for three days ago. In three days I’ll feel nostalgic for now. Keep smoking cigarettes just because they’re here, they’re preventing me from arriving somewhere.