April 11, 2013

APRIL 11, 2013

12:23am: walked from FedEx to car. Man in taco bell drive thru was cackling.

12:31am: didn’t want to be home yet. Driving to 24-hour grocery store to garner kale and energy drinks for ‘flushing greens through my body’ drink.

12:46am: pulled into parking spot at 24-hour grocery store.

12:54am: bought bunch of kale and four-pack of sugar-free red bull. This was written over a picture of Kim kardashian on cover of ‘star’ magazine: ‘Kim ignores dire health warnings; Getting paid to binge on junk food; She demands a c-section.’ Lady with white hair and ‘leah’ nametag rang me up. There was a card read error. Thought about whole foods cashier from the other day. Leah said ‘you’re not doing it fast enough.’ I went fast and it worked. She said ‘very good.’

1:39am: have just been driving around, listening/singing along to music. Lost focus of goals. I only feel good when I’m driving. That’s false.

3:03AM: ate 10mg adderall and noopept in preparation for beasting out emails/assembling packages to mail tomorrow/exercising.

6:31am: it’s 63 degrees. Sky looks pretty. I’m sitting in my car, smoking. Mom was awake when I went outside. Ate 10mg adderall. One week ago at this time I had just arrived at dad’s apartment from helping zachary move to new jersey. Two weeks ago at this time I was alone in Philadelphia apartment and had probably just fallen asleep after putting all knives/sharp objects/keys/phone under my pillow and would wake in the afternoon and it would be baby’s day out. Three weeks ago at this time I was smoking two cigarettes on mom’s balcony re-reading things I had written earlier that night on heroin and said ‘FFFF’ to scare away a noise I heard from the woods. Four weeks ago at this time I don’t remember at all. Even though those things aren’t the best memories of my life I’m glad I wrote them down because I wouldn’t remember otherwise. I don’t know why that feels good. Guess it’s just like ‘hey, I was there, it happened, it’s not that different than now, it’s not something to idealize.’ but I still idealize it. Smoking second cigarette. Woman with backpack is approaching and I’m typing this to avoid eye contact.

7:27AM: made kale/cantaloupe smoothie and drank fast. told mom it had been three weeks since we watched ‘the master.’ she had curlers in her hair and the balcony door was open. she said she wished she had been writing down things about her sophomore year of college, when she lived in a dorm with six girls who were ‘always laughing,’ and so could remember more now. the only thing she remembered, she said, was making fake poop out of peanut butter and bird seed to put on a toilet and leaving ‘an artful trail out the bathroom door.’ she laughed as she told the story and sometimes said ‘it’s not even funny.’ i said it was funny.