earlier in the bathroom while picking at a maybe nonexistent hair i thought ‘richard yates didn’t like himself very much. he or someone like him said something like ‘if people relate to what i’m saying, that is bad. people who are doing well should not relate to this.” feels strange to think about someone reading this, relating to it.

3:12AM–11:59PM: i don’t remember most of what i did. things i’m pretty sure i did:

•  ate 2mg xanax

•  stood mattress upright against wall and used carpeted cat tower thingy to prop it up so there would be no shirley pee when i returned. broke part of bed frame doing this.

•  walked to pickles & pies for e-cigarette cartridges.

•  man named paul approached me on the street as i was walking to p&p. it went something like this:

paul: hey how’re you doing?

me: okay.

paul: you live around here?

me: yeah pretty close.

paul: oh nice. hey i’m paul, what’s your name?

me: hi paul, i’m megan [shakes hand].

paul: where you headed?

me: pickles & pies.

paul: cool, cool. hey can i get your number, you wanna get a drink sometime?

me: i don’t think so, no, sorry.

paul: it’d just be a drink [something i forget]

me: no, it’s not going to…no, i’m feeling pretty depressed and antisocial lately

paul: [concerned face] what do you do?

me: uh, nothing, write. writer.

paul: oh cool, writing, that’s cool. hey can i just get your number?

me: [had started walking faster than him] no, really, knowing me lately, i’m…think…it’s not going to happen, i don’t feel like…i’m like, depressed, i’m…it’s…[gesture around head] solitary confinement.

paul: well okay, okay. here, how about i just give you this [hands me business card] then. just in case, alright?

me: okay okay sure okay.

paul: i live right over here on one hundred seventeenth

me: oh cool. have a nice night.

paul: you too megan, gimme a call.

•  got two slices cheese pizza from slices & ices

•  moved my car from beach 113th st to an ‘it’s okay to park here on fridays’ zone three blocks up on my street

•  ate 2mg xanax

AUGUST 9, 2013

12–3:[something]AM: used ‘free’ coupon to watch ‘oblivion,’ a post-apocalyptic tom cruise movie. tweeted with person who i was tweeting funny things about tom cruise with during altcitizen q&a.

3:[something]–7:00AM: was afraid of looking at liveblog and averse to typing during this time. googled my name. an argentinian article came up. seemed hard to focus on one thing/completely read one website. ate 2mg xanax. was going to eat .5, then thought ‘fuck it.’ 6mg xanax total, tonight. saw naked reflection in the mirror. lighting looked okay. recorded a video of parading my naked shitass buffalo bill ‘silence of the lambs’ style. things are looking ‘unwashed’ and ‘spiney.’