haven’t weighed myself for about two weeks. [omitted]’s scale said 129.4lbs. pretty sure now i’m less. hate myself when i write shit like this but whatever, it’d be in my head if it wasn’t words. yuckmaster buffalo bill. rubbing the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. actually no, i shouldn’t hate that. i want to weigh less and it’s happening so i should feel good about that. i do. a little embarrassing to think about other people knowing this about me but…nah. nah. okay not embarrassed anymore. is there any person who has never thought about their weight or how their body looks? anyone? anyone? IF THAT IS YOU AND YOU’RE READING THIS: HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH AND WHAT DOES YOUR BODY LOOK LIKE? HAHA MADE YOU THINK HAHA HAHA.

recorded a video of typing an email response to rachel white, who had emailed a few weeks ago asking me if i wanted to participate in a gallery/reading/art show event she’s organizing august 30. she suggested for my part of the thing, i would be liveblogging in front of a video projection of me liveblogging. seems funny. potential to repulse maybe 15 people. decided to not send the email right away via 6mg xanax/sleepless/potential incoherence.

watched ASMR videos to fall asleep.

woke a few times. remember eating an orange and a banana.

1:[something]PM: woke and didn’t want to be awake. think i just laid there half-asleep and dreaming for a few hours, or just like, in a very light sleep.

3:46PM: saw 3:46PM on the clock.

3:58PM: looked for e-cigarette, phone, computer plug for what felt like 30 minutes. fed cats. shirley is acting weird and hiding. worried about pee situation. alvie stood on the litter box and vomited, then he like, dug at it and sniffed it and looked like he was going to eat it.

4:15PM: ate 800mg choline, 1.2g aniracetam, 600mg phethylamine and drank a zero calorie monster. jordan emailed. he’s having some kind of insane money crisis and his parents are kicking him out of his house. going to moneygram him $300 remaining in savings account. jordan’s hell sounds worse than mine. he has a job at least…at least…shit. a few days ago he emailed that he still wants to come to NYC but things were complicated and i understood.

4:47pm: walking down apartment building stairs. Smells like weed. Pee-proofed (I think) bed using mattress maneuver from last night. Wearing shorts bought in 2010, didn’t fit until summer 2011, and are now a little baggy. Ate 20mg adderall xr before leaving. Having eidetic flashbacks to dream last night, involving trying to save three kittens and their mom. One kitten and the mom were missing an eye. Someone was moving into an apartment on the first floor but it wasn’t my building. I kept climbing up and down a fire escape to take the kittens up to an empty apartment on the third floor where it was safe. Buttercup was there. We were looking at the apartment, empty except for cats, and saying ‘it seems small, way too small.’ At ATM now.