shirley peed the bed twice. 12th bed pee since i’ve been back. the last two pees don’t smell. there is a small amount of baking soda left in the box i bought yesterday. ‘from vancouver,’ i wanted to add. feeling the humphreys influence. the unmistakable candadian influence of a humphreys gone wild. its first taste of freedom. adam is a nice person.

here are some things i thought while brushing caked baking soda off the bed, sweeping that from the floor, picking at hair in my eye, scooping terds in trash because the toilet is clogged due to too much toilet paper filled with cat pee:

do i sleep on the comforter tonight? the other comforter is still drying. probably still contains pee. smells wet. if i lay on top of the dry comforter i will put the pee/baking soda spots face-down so it’s harder for shirley to smell her pee and i don’t wake covered in pee. no, if they’re face-down then the pee will be on my body kind of. no, the sheet. no…there’s pee on the sheet. the top sheet? yeah einstein the top sheet too. i could take off the mattress pad. so much work. one side of the mattress pad has four large pee stains and the other side has five or six but which side is better? the side with the most stains…most of the stains were already there, but both sides currently contain recent pee. below the mattress pad is the mattress: weighing in with four pee spots. pee. pee. PIDDLE PAD. SHIRLEY’S DELUXE PIDDLE PAD BEACH BLANKET BONANZA! TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS, THE EVENT OF THE SUMMER, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHERE WE PEE!

i hate anyone who has pets that don’t pee on their bed. i hate them and i hate their pets.

how can parents do this with cats and dogs and babies all at the same time. scared if i ever become a mom i’ll find out ‘the secret’ my parents were protecting me from, which is that it is not fun to have children, but if you don’t tell them you love them they’ll turn out really bad (and sometimes they turn out bad even if you do tell them, as my parents have likely discerned by now).

i understand shirley’s ‘it’s okay to pee anywhere’ attitude. i have that too, humans pee everywhere. they just put a toilet wherever they want to pee. i wasn’t around for the toilet invention and i couldn’t build one on my own. like, i couldn’t just invent a toilet. there’s no way i would’ve known what to do after i invented the toilet. there would be no toilets today if i had invented the toilet.