i wasn’t thinking that. i wasn’t thinking the ‘basic needs’ thing. i always want to say ‘i know people have it worse than me’ stuff when i complain, to create a guilt/blame-free buffer zone. but that’s just the same faulty ‘comparing myself to masses of people’ thinking which is what initially makes me feel inept and that, if i’m viewing rationally, doesn’t make sense to do. i don’t know how to stop thinking things like this. how to stop getting in the way of myself.

before i went into the basic needs buffer-zone, the point i was trying to make, which…whatever, here’s the point: no matter what, any solution that is offered to me by anyone, or that i invent on my own, i will find a problem with that solution.

6:01PM: ate 30mg adderall. moved to bed. sitting on dried baking soda pee-cleaner mixture. the adderall is just making me feel ‘normal.’ i got caught up in the problem/solution thing. why do i feel pressure to stop doing stuff like that…stuff i get distracted by…hm. interesting. the pressure to stop makes me want to keep going.

glad i saved all my ‘i think it’s empty’ e-cigarette cartridges for a time like this. do not feel like buying new you-know-whats.

i can feel my boobs on my stomach when i sit like this.

6:05PM: highlighted everything i’ve written from that last sentence until the text directly under ‘august 2, 2013.’ it says it’s 21,765 words. seems impossible. what the hell.

6:11PM: walked around saying ‘where’s the shirley’ and ‘where’s the shirley we all know and love’ and things like that. found her under the bed. don’t cats hide when they think they’re going to die? shit. should i take her to a vet. shit. she’s probably just spooked by the baking soda. now she’s sniffing around the bed. spooked. spooked by baking soda, classic. oldest trick in the book. wanna know a surefire way to spook a cat? wait for them to pee on your bed, then rub baking soda on the pee. gets ‘em every time. spooked to high hell.

6:12–11:59PM: signed in to @altcitizen. answered maybe four questions. mostly tweeted with one person about funny hypothetical situations involving tom cruise. felt aware of concurrent ‘three-hour only’ online premiere of adam humphrey’s and zachary’s movie, ‘baseball.’

AUGUST 8, 2013

12–2:03AM: have been gchatting with zachary. laughed aloud a few times. craving being in the same room as him. surprised to hear he and ex-girlfriend live together and don’t have sex….seems complicated…it’s probably not though, for them. i could be a dick and say something about his prediction that i might find ‘true love’ in ‘some alternative arrangement.’ ate 10mg oxycodone.

2:24AM: read first few pages of ‘adam’s summer purgatory.’ it makes sense that adam is canadian. in my sixth grade textbook there was a picture of people playing basketball indoors, captioned ‘canadians: they do what americans do, with slightly colder weather.’ it was confusing. no one had told me about canada, though. ate 5mg oxycodone.