9:36AM: sleepy. can’t believe i’m allowed to live like this. i’m only going to want to stop living like this if i can stop thinking things like ‘can’t believe i’m allowed to live like this.’ it’s okay to be living like this for now…there is obviously…no other way to be doing it, for now, otherwise i’d be doing that instead.

9:45AM: whoa felt insane bad for a few seconds

normally would just leave that like it is, now going to try to unpack what felt bad exactly: i was looking somewhere between water container and sugar-free red bull. remembered i hadn’t updated recently-made auxiliary twitter where i tweet everything i eat/drink with anything i’ve ingested tonight. started thinking about how having multiple/auxiliary twitter accounts feels dark, especially considering me doing liveblog. thought about how both men i’ve been close with since starting liveblog have not liked that i was doing it. tried to imagine updating liveblog ‘or maybe a twitter’ with this and felt…just…icky/dark. remembered things i’ve typed today and felt icky/dark about them, and that there was a time when i felt positive about anything i’d say in here. then felt sudden overwhelming flashback-type series of thoughts like ‘what was different about me in the beginning of this, if i find out what it is then maybe i can get it back, i know i wasn’t happy then but at least it wasn’t now but that’s the same thing i feel now.’ remembered walking to the chinese food place to get quarters last night

what’s with me picking guys who don’t like the stuff i like then feeling sad when it’s over

okay boyle that’s dumb, don’t do that anymore

how about you seal off your…just…

your romantic interest keg is tapped

who decided that when there’s no more weed something is ‘cashed’ and when there’s no more alcohol something is ‘tapped’

wait ‘tapped’ means the alcohol just began

tapped an ass

want to make a to-do list, would that make you feel good? let’s make a to-do list:

•  mail matthew donahoo package

•  fax car inspection document to insurance people

•  read and write blurbs for chelsea martin & heiko julien books

•  party with chelsea tonight

•  print applications to schools

•  eat something

•  put away laundry

•  put other comforter in dryer (maybe you can just let it dry though, won’t it just dry?)

SHIT I FORGOT TO MOVE MY CAR SHIT GODDAMNED FUCKING…SHIT ASS…

well no sense in doing it now

no i should do it, what if they haven’t caught me yet

i have 12 unpaid parking tickets. i looked last night. can they arrest me? what can they do…

i would let a cop beat me within an inch of my life if it meant i would never have to pay for or think about having another parking ticket ever again

or i could just never pay the tickets and not get beaten up

that seems to be the way this is going (knock on wood!)