10:58-11:59PM: did not update.

JUNE 16, 2013

confused about how what i typed above happened on june 15.

JUNE 17, 2013

did not update.

JUNE 18, 2013

8:[something]AM: locked keys in car. zachery w. took picture, want to include video that was recording all last night. moon and theo are nice.

9:08am: driving home listening to rilo kiley.

9:41PM: things i feel comfortable saying: ate ambien as soon as i got home, woke around 4PM, bought ice cream and wine from places on 116th st, came back to apartment.

I AM DRUNK NOW I WANT TO JUST CHILL OUT AND NOT DO THE LIVEBIG THING RIGHT NOW, JULIET IS INTERVIEWING ME AT 11PM AND I WANT TO CHILL AND EAT LEFTOVERS AND WATCH NETFLIX TILL THEN.

THERE WAS A LOT OF FUN STUFF THAT HAPPENED WITH [OMITTED] THIS WEEKEND, THAT’S WHERE I WAS/WHAT I WAS DOING.

JUNE 19, 2013

12:01AM: somehow abruptly ended skype interview with juliet. no idea what happened. drank a magnum bottle of white wine and a vodka something. opened package from juliet and put on ‘i 3 weed’ shirt and made an emotional/embarrassing long video of myself rolling a spliff to the ‘must be the colors and the kids’ by cat power.

read ‘charity’ by joy williams and it became too hard to focus eyes on page.

ate an ambien before bed. ate leftover pizza from the other night when [omitted] and me ordered pizza and watched game five of the finals and didn’t leave my room all day (june 16?).

10:03AM: woke and saw ‘disaster zone’ from muffin eating last night…muffin crumbs everywhere in the kitchen, powdered sugar, a plate with 25% of a mostly melted stick of butter and half a muffin and sugar on it. ate half an ambien and slept until maybe 2AM.

toasted and ate another ‘chia muffin’ from the ‘free bag’ from le pain quotidian (?) that a person gave away at reading. looked up nutrition facts. 300something calories. seemed ‘better than i thought.’

looked at the internet and felt drifting thing…drifting…

read a little more of ‘honored guest’ could not sustain attention

felt bad about doing excess of ‘don’t be present: be asleep, be on xanax or ambien or weed’ drugs and maybe effects of coming down from cocaine the night of the reading (june 17-18?)

watched shitty netflix movie called ‘30 blows’ via wanting to see ‘what normal people do when they live in new york in the summer’

tried to call mom…jesus. there were probably about 15 phone calls back-and-forth, total. my phone is doing this thing where i can hear the other person but they can’t hear me. a woman named erika from AT&T called four times to try to put mom and i in touch. did not work. finally called her from google talk and we talked for an hour and a half. she said something funny, like ‘i don’t want you to be all alone thinking about dying at the end of the earth.’