JUNE 4, 2013

12:26AM: have been continuing to luxuriate/lay/allow muscles to stretch in preparation for ‘marathon transcribing to finish line.’ peed. finished monster drink. perhaps will reward myself with headache medicine. backlog of 41 questions on ask.fm to answer. also emails. texts. overwhelming debts. i’m the one who decides the feeling is ‘overwhelming’ but knowing that doesn’t change anything or comfort me. talked with mom about this last night, she said something about…she was nervous to go to dad’s office and was physically shaking thinking about it. i said i felt that sometimes from just…laying…passively laying and thinking about how many people are on the internet and not on the internet, like, ‘waiting.’ i said clichéd things about how the internet makes agoraphobia happen too. mom didn’t act interested…or…felt surprised at her not immediately agreeing and not wanting to talk more about ‘today’s fast-paced culture and new parameters for social anxiety’ or things like that. felt comforting, her not wanting to do that.

JUNE 5, 2013

did not update

JUNE 6, 2013

did not update

JUNE 7, 2013

11:12am: almost wrote 2011 just now. Sitting in petsmart parking lot. Liveblog has made me aware of how long it takes me to leave a parked or driving car. Will need to park far away today for the weekend, due to summer parking restrictions. Getting used to things like this.

11:43am: still in petsmart parking lot. Have been re-reading parts involving me/‘Erin’ in ‘Taipei.’ Imagined Tao writing the ‘universe hugging itself’ part, alone. Years later a journalist person who ‘would be best for him, would actually be the person with whom a relationship could be sustained’ would be reading the ‘universe hugging itself’ part. This would be far enough in the future so that he would be able to really do the thing where ‘the dot of himself’ shrinks past zero and ends up in a suburban neighborhood or city too big to know how big it is and starts living again, but by then he wouldn’t want a relationship anymore. Not being clear. Shit. How do I say this. I pictured this person in the future reading the book and Tao would be ‘technically dead by 2080’ or something, but the component of him that lives forever past the singularity would be alive in a different way—not the way the person who he could be in a relationship with would. She would be alive during her version of ‘tao 1983-2080’ life. Tao would be alive during “source code’-like afterlife where…he might be in another dimension or something, concurrently existing with the relationship person but as a new kind of life form where he shrinks and ends up places, so it would be impossible to know the person reading the same way he would’ve in his ‘1983-2080 life,’ but he wouldn’t want that then anyway, maybe. It would be some kind of irony. Relatable to ‘sirens of titan’ somehow, the thing I’m trying to say. Hard to convey this. I don’t know enough about the singularity to…like, would people still exist? At all? Would all people just be like ‘tao post-1983-2080,’ like there wouldn’t even be a person reading experiencing life as ‘someone born who is going to die,’ we’d all just be integrated with computers? Jesus. Sounding stupid. Can’t do it. Abandoning ship.