1:18PM: person i texted last night texted me back. text either ‘bodes well’ or ‘bodes neutral/confirms ‘novelty factor’ suspicions.’

1:58PM: made photo of five things stacked ontop of each other for tao’s ‘tao day’ at thought catalog and responded to emails. got glass of water. stood too fast or laid down too fast and feel like i might vomit again. alvie seems afraid of mattress pad, both cats curious about opened window.

2:05PM: eyes have been closed. seems strange that you can’t see ‘sparkly’ things when you close your eyes. like it should be ‘sparkly.’ had ‘premonition’ that dad is going to die in 2007.

2:13PM: vomited. at the end it was just dry heaving. very…like, jesus. can’t remember the word. it feels like ‘spicy.’ burning. acidic, that’s the word. that’s the fish. thought i had figured out how to ‘hold off’/‘dam’ the flow of vomit to not go through my nose at all but got ‘carried away’ maybe and lost awareness and it came out my nose at the end. while vomiting felt motivated to write as much as i could about…like, filling in updates, doing ‘self yelp’ and ‘tao day’ article today. i can do the ‘tao day’ one easily.

4:05PM: talked intensely with mom on the phone for a little over two hours. saw lightning but no rain out the window a few times. ate and apple and heated two torillas on the stove and put olive oil, garlic, salt, vinegar on them while on the phone. conversation ended with me saying something like ‘it’ll be better if we just get off the phone, please trust me, i know we’ll feel better if we just stop’ and mom not really wanting to stop.

after we got off the phone i watched a youtube video of a man talking about ‘the plasticity of the brain’ and how it’s possible to re-wire your neurons if you modify your behavior. started falling asleep. the man’s face wasn’t in the video. it was called ‘ASMR motivational tips for anxiety/depression/derealization/depersonalization’ or something. felt ‘casually, not-interested-enough-to-disturb-falling-asleep process’ afraid of the man. the way he was stressing he wasn’t a medical professional in the beginning seemed scary. remember thinking things like ‘it’s possible he’s included some kind of coding in the video that my brain understands but i don’t and he’s re-wiring my brain for his benefit somehow’ and ‘my window is open’ and ‘[picture of something watching me from the perspective of outside my window, then a face like the ‘mulholland drive’ dumpster man showing up next to my bed].’

mom called again. short conversation, mostly like, consoling each other about previous conversation, like we were both saying ‘it’ll be okay.’ ate 1mg xanax after we got off the phone, set alarms for 7:31AM and 7:47AM and 8:47AM, and fell asleep watching a youtube documentary about borderline personality disorder. will update with ‘what i remember from thursday from the perspective of [used to be ‘sunday afternoon’/will now just be ‘whenever i finish thought catalog things’]’ (option that won votes) when i have time.