7:25PM: dad called. i don’t feel like typing details of anything right now. nothing has been bad or…i don’t know. nice talk with dad. danny showed up at 5:31PM. told him i was looking for publishing jobs in manhattan to sound ‘responsible.’ dad said ‘you can ‘punch out’ for the night.’ couldn’t make myself sound okay. dad said ‘i don’t know about you, but i think if i lived by the beach, i don’t know, i’d like to take a nice walk on the beach sometimes. have you done that?’ i said i haven’t done it much and that maybe i would do that now. heard my voice sounding ‘far away.’

tomorrow i’m going to do the other things i said i’d do today. i don’t want to do laundry or hang up clothes. i want to be sleeping but i don’t want to sleep and then wake and have it be another time. should i buy wine or something. i don’t feel enough effort to do…just…it would involve…anything is going to involve my effort right now. should i just watch TV. there is nothing i want to look at. i don’t even feel ‘i want to be held by someone’ right now. i don’t know what’s responsible for mood shift. mood has plummeted since returning from car inspection. i could make green juice. my face feels different. i’m sorry to everyone i haven’t responded to yet, who has said something nice to me. i get in this place sometimes of feeling that i’m being ‘sucked out.’ not by people or…i don’t know, not by anything. the feeling is like i have one IV needle spaced out every two or three inches on my body. like the ‘hellraiser’ needle-head guy but everywhere, and the needles are hooked up to tubes but they’re not sucking out my blood, it’s something else. i don’t know what it’s sucking out. it feels like breathing requires mental effort, or just like, laying here. i’m ‘paying’ the needle sucking things just by laying on my bed, like, if i let them do it for a while maybe i’ll get left alone and i can start doing things again. when i feel like this it’s like there’s no question of ‘what do i want.’ like ‘what do i want to eat’ or ‘who do i want to talk to’ or ‘how do i want my life to go.’ i just don’t have a choice for a while, i just have to let the thing suck whatever it wants out of me. then i can go. like today, i started to be able to ‘go’ again today, by going outside. if i drink i’m going to…i know what ‘drunk’ feels like. i know what ‘xanax’ feels like. i know what other drugs feel like. i know what ‘soberly waiting for time to pass’ feels like. i know what everything feels like. pictured myself in a transparent box at the coney island freak show behind a belted gate in front of which is a plaque that says ‘UNABLE TO BE SURPRISED BY ANYTHING.’