me: oh oh okay, okay, thank you.

thai rock: [shuffling] o-kay. so: let me start. what is your name?

me: megan?

thai rock: megan

me: m-e-g-a-n, yeah

thai rock: megan

me: that’s the one

thai rock: okay megan, now you are having the tom yum veggie…the pad thai veggie…

me: yes (felt myself like, quivering, like puppy heart quivering with joy)

thai rock: and what was the other thing?

me: a pork dumpling.

thai rock: ah yes, the pork dumpling.

me: yes. yes. and that’ll be it.

thai rock: will that be all?

me: yes, that’s all, thank you.

thai rock: well megan, i think…i think this’ll be ready in fifteen minutes. okay?

me: fifteen minutes. wonderful, yes. i’ll come pick it up.

thai rock: thank you megan.

me: thank you, see you soon.

when i pick it up he’s going to be santa claus.

heard a knock on door during phone call. hung up and saw texts from colin, asking if i could show an apartment to a couple tomorrow. applied jeans, perfume, and ‘technically slippers, but is anyone really paying attention?’ no longer felt drunk.

neared door with slowed and lightened steps, to be indistinguishable from background noise. didn’t want colin to hear me. turned key softly, feeling for the weight of the latches.

walked to car, delighting in hearing ‘nicholas voice’ on voicemail. at one point he said he knew i was in new york and ‘i guess you’re ignoring me’ like maybe he thought i wouldn’t be listening. he said ‘i don’t know what happened’ and there were a few seconds and he hung up. there were two tickets on my car. i called back said something a little embarrassing like ‘things are floating into the ethers,’ then ‘i want to hang out any time, i don’t do anything, i want to see you.’

drove to thai rock listening to ‘bamboo cactus’ by i, cactus on repeat, aware of hearing the same sounds the first time i heard the song. if i could remove the emotional context i would have more in common with myself the first time i heard it, and could maybe re-experience that moment from a new dual perspective. tao played it the car and i said ‘i like this’ and the lights looked magical. for a long time i was doing ‘serious bureaucratic intern detective work,’ trying to figure out the song’s name. this fall i figured it out. at a party at tao’s in december people were passing around a computer, selecting songs for a group playlist. i put on ‘bamboo cactus’ and said some thing about not knowing what it was for a long time. tao said ‘you could’ve just asked me,’ or something.