9:43PM: i was optimistic in maryland. i was going to join the navy. then NASA. not so long ago. jesus. how. what else could i do. so much time.

10:27PM: slipped and spilled most of ‘monster’ energy drink on leg, bed, trackpad/keyboard. cursor isn’t responding to fingers.

11:03PM: stood in bathroom and blew cold air from hairdryer on trackpad. felt like part of the montage in ‘gattaca’ where it shows vacuuming cells from his keyboard so no one would know he wasn’t genetically qualified to be an astronaut.

11:41PM: mom calling.

MAY 25, 2013

2:55AM: first it was okay then there was an argument and then other arguments based on the arguments and so bad of me and stupid and crying and hating me and i can’t talk about it well and couldn’t on phone either except i think at the end it was okay, i don’t want or am unable to say more now, i think it’s okay to not type details, it would feel bad right now no matter what i say or type or even if i talk to mom, i love mom, i’m crying now again only alone now

4:45AM: have been answering antagonistic ask.fm questions antagonistically.

6:41AM: ate 3mg xanax, hummus/avocado tortillas.

12:07PM: woke. felt dread. laid and sometimes opened eyes. searched ‘beth’ in zachary’s facebook friend list. one ‘beth.’ looked at pictures. there will be a ticket on my car, probably. i forgot to move again. plan of action: eat as much xanax and food as you want today, just be absent today.

1:26PM: mom called. good to hear her laugh and be mom again. she said ‘just promise to do one thing for me, will you? just seventeen seconds long, one thing that makes you happy, will you? just think about something good for seventeen seconds?’ remembered talking about her ex-husband at dinner the other night, who she married when she was 20 or 21 and pregnant with my sister. pictured her in my apartment.

she asked about reading the liveblog and i said ‘the only reason i felt apprehensive about you reading it earlier is that i talked about doing heroin and i thought you’d be worried.’ she said ‘oh no, oh honey i am worried, i don’t want you to do that, i don’t want to think about you doing things that make you feel worse.’ i said ‘i don’t shoot it’ and ‘people are prescribed opiates’ and ‘i don’t like it that much, it’s just all the guy had that night’ and other, in hindsight, boldly untrue things. she said ‘i don’t want you to end up being a bag lady on the streets of new york city.’ i said ‘me neither, i won’t, i don’t even have many bags.’