looked at internet, thinking ‘they know you’re putting on a show. they know you know their plan.’ looked with increasing difficulty, thinking ‘it’s okay to sleep, that’s why you ate xanax. if the killer wants to do it they just will, you can’t stop them.’

10:55AM: i was wearing baggy gray jail clothes, walking near my old apartment in baltimore. this was my day off from jail. the sun was bright. people on the street were stopping to squint at the sky and i did too. letters were appearing as clouds that eventually spelled ‘CHELSEA I LOVE YOU’ and an inside joke. the clouds fell gracefully, retaining their shapes until they hit the tops of buildings. when the last cloud fell it was quiet, like everyone thought they were they only person thinking ‘was that really the last one,’ then started cheering and hugging. it felt like this would be considered ‘a national event’ someday. then i was in a diner sitting next to chelsea’s boyfriend. we were surprised to see each other and joked a little. i asked if he saw the chelsea sky messages. he said he had organized it and talked excitedly about the skywriting service and chelsea. i said ‘i love her too’ and felt a dense sadness, like one molecule had been added to all my cells. he asked why i was wearing jail clothes. i had forgotten. neither of us knew what to say. i said ‘tell chelsea i love her. i love you too. i love that you did the airplane thing.’ walked to a garage/yard not far from the diner. stood in line with other people in jail clothes, waiting for our turns to go inside a trailer. i knew i would have to have sex with whoever was inside. woke crying/‘choking.’

11:13AM: woke to alarm. called mom. made plans to get pizza before she leaves today. had idea for ‘taipei’ facebook photo album. put ‘taipei’ on my face and took picture. held ‘taipei’ upside-down and took picture. took pictures of cats with ‘taipei,’ picture of ‘taipei’ hanging out of VCR with asian newscaster on TV. fed cats.

11:59AM: mom called to cancel pizza due to driving anxiety. i said ‘that’s okay, i want to be productive today and pizza would slow me down.’ pajama shorts slid down legs and i let them hit the floor when i got to my closet.

12:16PM: mom called to say she’s outside apartment building. brushed teeth.

8:03PM: updates from today got deleted. there isn’t enough time but then there is all this time. i’ve just been sitting here and it still feels like not enough time.

8:33PM: fed cats. discovered biting technique for hands-free e-cigarette smoking.

8:41PM: all it’s going to be for the rest of my life is a series of ‘right nows.’

8:44PM: alvie vomited wet food in bowl. he did this yesterday too. in the bowl, both times.

9:00PM: scanned email from dad containing ‘I hope this makes sense…’