Maggie I’ll meet you outside a woman was cleaning at the same time now I’m waiting

7:17pm: gramma leg thing by bed

Tennesee Williams glass leg megagerie

Pile of dirt make a wish

I realize that (toothpick)

It was cuter (shirt said ‘help me’)

Denzel (I can’t look you in the eye)

7:25pm: ‘already ate ribs but I have them’ Horsemeat (I didn’t like it as much the n) (they didn’t use good enough horse) ‘I’ll be outside mom I’ll be outside thinking about what I’ve done’

11:03pm: its the quilt I have to bear (about gray quilt)

MAY 24, 2013

12:04AM: called mom and talked while walking to apartment. passed dumpster with ‘LATIN AMERICAN’ sign. a car slowed and stopped about halfway, then reversed and parked on sidewalk.

2:05AM: ate 1mg xanax. read ‘taipei’ and looked at internet.

4:04AM: i was watching a video of a man with shoulder-length hair whispering to a younger man. they were in my apartment, near the door. the video looked filmed maybe from the kitchen counter, with my mattress and sleeping body mostly outside the frame. i wasn’t supposed to be seeing this. i knew i could only see because i wasn’t awake. that was the problem the men had paused filming to discuss. i wasn’t supposed to be awake. the men were the evil behind ASMR. they had embedded themselves inside some kind of subliminal code that tracks brains that respond to it with ASMR tingles. when you feel tingles it’s the men inside your head, filming themselves doing whatever they were about to do to me. i knew they knew i was watching because they started talking in code. remembered an unfilmed portion of the video, where they had been closer to my head. woke scared, to earphones in ears and ASMR video playing on youtube.

ate 1mg xanax and heated tortilla on stove and ate while heating a second tortilla, ‘without thinking.’

looked out window at fire escape. anyone could get in through the fire escape. selected ‘sharpest knife’ from drawer. restrained from taking all knives, thinking ‘it will be better in the morning, to see i didn’t need all the knives.’ held ‘sharpest knife’ on guard, while walking to retrieve keys from hook by the door where the men had been. checked locks.

placed ‘sharpest knife,’ keys, and phone under pillow. internet/computer seemed unsafe. but i also knew if someone had been watching and waiting for a good time to kill me all night and had maybe nodded off, closing the computer would cause the light to change, and if something changed in the killer’s peripheral vision, their attention would be drawn to the light source, and if they saw me closing a computer at 4AM it probably meant i would soon be asleep and more available to kill.

thought ‘you’re already in trouble if they saw the light change, but they’ve probably been watching everything, they saw you put the knife under your pillow.’