•  started to feel pressure to…something…like at some point it seemed like mom was happier than me and i had to ‘keep up’ with saying cheerful things. i told her that and she said she didn’t want me to feel pressure at all, she was just happy to be there, she thought she understood the thing i was feeling. i could picture ‘happier ‘me:’ across from mom in five to ten minutes,’ but for some reason the possibility of that was shrinking with each thing said. mom said ‘do you feel like you have to be fake right now?’ i said ‘a little, i feel like i’m not being good company and like i wish i was better to be around.’ she said something about how she didn’t want me to feel pressured to act cheerful, something about how she remembered how before her brother died it started to feel like every time they saw each other they were each being ‘fake’ and she didn’t want me to feel that. i knew/remembered the thing about her brother. i apologized and said i didn’t want to be acting fake-cheerful and would act normal. mom said something compassionately about how there was no need for me to apologize for anything. i didn’t know what to say. felt guilty and embarrassed for turning dinner conversation into ‘this,’ a situation where it was hard to know what to say, or that what i wanted to say was ‘i’m sorry for apologizing.’ remember a period shortly after this where i felt completely blank, like i didn’t know what to say or if i was even sad or happy or anything, and that i wished i hadn’t eaten xanax

•  waiter said it was okay we were staying late and they close at midnight

•  mom ordered coffee and lemon meringue pie that we ate with spoons while talking about the waiter’s sexuality and hard-to-understand voice and not many people were there and it felt good

•  mom said things about how nice sel de mer was and that the bathroom was decorated and that she appreciates things like this more as she’s gotten older and that someday i would feel happier and maybe like i appreciated things like that too, then ‘but you don’t have to, i know you’ll find something though’

11:[something]–11:59PM: drove mom back to the motel. she said things about how it seems hard to drive or know where you’re going in NYC and i agreed. think i continued apologizing for not being ‘better company’ and reassuring i would be tomorrow. hugged mom and thanked her for dinner. didn’t want to leave or drive home.

MAY 23, 2013

12:26am: driving to apartment.

6:57am: didn’t sleep, have been responding to ask.fm questions.

11:00am: woke. Called mom. Said I’d sleep but responded to more questions. Put goodies in Masha package. Ate Ritalin drank red bull.

2:20pm: Bleak puppy store by costco

4:55pm: peeing at ikea mom asked to take in cart, tense ride re he I o exote nd I felt bad